Fix You
by Tracy-Lou
Summary: Brendan and Ste are both in dark places after everything that has happened. Can they help each other through it and help themselves along the way?
1. Chapter One

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, they belong to Hollyoaks!

Summary: Brendan and Ste are both in dark places after everything that has happened. Can they help each other through it and help themselves along the way?

Fix You

Chapter One

Brendan slumped against his bedroom door, his shirt several feet away from him on the ground. It had been weeks since he had finally taken down Warren and after the initial exultation, he had felt a kind of emptiness settle around him. There was no purpose anymore, no drive to distract him from what he didn't want to think about.

He had completely isolated himself. He didn't want to speak to anyone. He still went to work, it was his club after all, but he spent the majority of his time in the office or working from home. He just couldn't face anyone right now. Cheryl had tried to get through to him; Brendan recalled attempts at heart-felt talks, tears, tantrums and eventual weariness. Brendan could relate; he was utterly destroyed emotionally and physically from everything that had passed the last few months.

There was nothing to animate him. The boys weren't allowed to visit until, as Eileen had put it, "he had sorted himself out". But how could he with no one to comfort his tired existence? Of course Brendan had thought of Stephen. No matter what else was going on, he was always in his mind. It drove Brendan near mad every night, remembering the scent of him all around him, the way his back would always arch to Brendan's touch, how his eyes would stare up at him full of belief and love. It always hurt that much more when he inevitably let him down.

That was one of the reasons why he hadn't attempted to speak to him; he was tired of dragging Stephen into his mess of a life. The lad was better off without him, always had been. And yet Brendan still missed him; he ached without him. There was nothing on this earth that would make him admit to it though.

"Brendan" Cheryl knocked listlessly on his door.

Brendan opened the door, startling Cheryl. "Breakfast" she said, pushing the plate into his hands.

"Thanks, Sis" Brendan mumbled, hesitating before kissing her cheek.

"What was that for?" Cheryl asked, amazed and pleased.

Brendan shrugged. "Ye do a lot for me, it's about time I appreciated it"

Cheryl smiled at him. "I'm glad you're finally getting it, love. You going in to work today?"

Brendan nodded, devouring a piece of toast. "Gotta shave first"

Cheryl breathed out a sigh of relief, causing Brendan to stare at her, his lips twitching into a smile. "What?"

"Just relieved" Cheryl laughed, fingering Brendan's beard.

"Well, couldn't stay this way forever" Brendan reasoned, brushing past Cheryl. "Make us some coffee, yeah?"

Cheryl suddenly grabbed him, holding on tight. "Nice to have you back" she whispered, pulling away and wiping at her eyes. Then she hit him across the shoulder.

"Ow!" Brendan protested.

"Don't you ever do that to me again, you hear?"

Brendan nodded, rubbing his shoulder. "I hear ye"

"Good" Cheryl smiled pleasantly again. "Go on then" she said, giving him a push. "Up you go"

xxx

Brendan, suited and booted, arrived at the club. He rubbed his hand over his newly shaven face and smiled. He was getting back to business now, where he belonged. If nothing else it would take his mind off of the dark thoughts he didn't want to ponder. One of which he was having now, about where Stephen was.

Walking behind the bar, refraining from pouring himself a whiskey, Brendan turned to Rhys who was on duty today.

"Where is the rest of the staff?" He asked indifferently.

Rhys looked at him strangely. "Isn't Cheryl in soon?"

"Funnily enough I know when my Sister is in" Brendan said dryly. "And the rest?" Brendan's patience was beginning to tire. "Stephen?" he asked bluntly, unable to restrain himself.

Knowledge filled Rhys' face. "Oh he's off sick"

Brendan raised an eyebrow. "He alright?"

Rhys shrugged. "Must be a bug, he's been off a while"

Brendan frowned. "He has?"

Rhys stared at him blankly. "Did you not notice?" He asked carefully.

Brendan turned away, unable to respond.

When Cheryl finally arrived for work, Brendan ushered her into the office, shutting the door behind them.

"What's wrong, love?" She asked, patting his arm.

"Stephen" Brendan said shortly. "Where is he?"

Cheryl looked suddenly uncomfortable. "He's…sick"

Brendan narrowed his eyes at her. "Sick? Really? Stephen rarely gets sick, his stomach's made of steel"

Cheryl stared at him blankly. "Well he is" she said, shuffling some papers on the desk.

Brendan stared at her in frustration. "Where is he really?"

"At home" Cheryl said quickly. She stared at Brendan with wide eyes. "Don't you go round there!"

"Why not?"

"You've only just got back on track, love…"

"And?"

"And it's not the time to be going round there saying all sorts when he isn't well"

"There's something ye aren't telling me"

Cheryl looked away. "Just leave it for now. If you feel the same in a week's time…"

Brendan shook his head. "I'll be back soon"

"Bren-" Cheryl protested, but he was already out the door.

Brendan was at Stephen's flat in no time. He was practically out of breath by the time he got there; he hadn't been taking care of himself for a while. He knocked on the door several times, stepping back to await an answer. None came. He knocked again, more forcefully this time.

"Stephen? I know ye are in there, open up"

Silence.

Brendan moved to the kitchen window, peering inside. "Stephen?" He called. "Come on, I'm worried about ye"

Brendan heard the latch open. He moved back to the front door, his hands twisting together impatiently. The door opened but no one was there. Brendan peered inside, not seeing anyone.

"Stephen?" He asked, his tone gentler.

"I'm here" a croaky voice replied. Brendan closed the door after him. He finally saw Stephen slumped against the wall.

"What's happened?" Brendan reached out to him but Stephen flinched away.

"What do you want?" Stephen moved back towards the living room, blanket draped over his shoulders.

"I…well, ye weren't in work"

"I haven't been in work all week" Stephen pointed out.

"I didn't realise"

Stephen stared up at Brendan from his place on the sofa. "Of course you didn't"

"I've had a lot on my mind…" Brendan murmured.

"And I haven't?" Stephen sighed, shivering as he pulled the blanket tighter around him. "I'm not in the mood for company"

Brendan stared around the flat. There were dirty dishes littering the sink, mess everywhere, clothes thrown around haphazardly. It wasn't normally like this.

"Where's Amy?"

"Gone to Mike's" Stephen mumbled, closing his eyes. "Probably just as well"

"Are they coming back?"

"Of course" Stephen said sharply. "Amy just thought I could use some…space"

"For what?"

Stephen shrugged. "Get back on my feet"

"But ye haven't" Brendan said, matter-of-fact.

"It isn't that simple" Stephen replied, staring at him. "You know that"

"What happened?" Brendan asked, sitting on the edge of the sofa. Stephen glanced at him and then away.

"What hasn't happened? My friend died, my lover got accused for her murder, my kids almost got taken away from me, my best friend…she…well, we had words" Stephen gulped visibly. "And then said lover gets out of prison, goes on a revenge mission, ignores me for weeks like he doesn't care and then suddenly decides to come over now, without warning" Stephen took a deep breath. "I'm not even dressed for fucks sake"

Brendan smiled a little at that. "Never stopped me visiting before"

Stephen crossed his arms. "I think you should go"

"Can I at least explain?"

"No"

"Stephen-"

"Just go!" Stephen shouted, standing up and throwing the blanket off of him. "I can't deal with you right now so just leave me alone!" Tears were already beginning to stream down his cheeks; his body was shaking uncontrollably.

"I can't" Brendan said, reaching for him without thinking.

"You have to…" Stephen said brokenly, near to collapsing on the floor. Brendan caught him in his arms, holding him close.

"Not possible" he murmured, stroking back Stephen's hair. "I'm sorry" he whispered.

"It's too late" Stephen said throatily, but he was still clutching Brendan's arm for dear life. "You've screwed me up too many times" Stephen laughed bitterly. "Who am I kidding? I was screwed up long before I met you"

"Don't say that…"

"Why not? It's the truth. Everything I touch turns to ash"

"Yer kids, they're here… they love you"

"How do I know I won't mess up with them as well?"

"Ye won't, I promise ye"

"I don't believe in your promises anymore!" Stephen raged, breaking out of Brendan's grasp. "Please just go"

Brendan shook his head. "I can't leave ye like this. I've been there, Stephen. I've been like ye are for weeks"

Stephen stared at him uncomprehendingly. "You were never around…"

"Neither were you, apparently"

Stephen's face screwed up in concentration. "I felt ill"

"No wonder" Brendan said, gesturing around them. "Ye are living in filth, Stephen"

"I haven't felt like…doing anything, since Amy took the kids"

"I don't understand. Cheryl said ye were doing alright when I was inside"

Stephen looked at him. "For a while, yeah. But you got out. I waited for you to come, I dreaded it. I lost sleep wondering when you would turn up here. I didn't know what you would do…"

"I wouldn't _do_anything" Brendan argued. "What could I possibly do to ye?"

Stephen shrugged. "I spent whole nights wondering the exact same thing" Stephen sat down again. "Perhaps I overreacted"

Brendan leaned against the wall. "We all do that"

Stephen looked at him more closely this time. "Why are you here?"

"I was worried about ye. Cheryl was acting strange about where ye were"

Stephen smiled. "She's been round most days, trying to cheer me up. She's been pretty down herself you know, because of you"

Brendan looked away guiltily. "Things are going to change"

"I hope so"

They were silent for some time.

Brendan began to move around the flat, tidying things away.

"What are you doing?" Stephen asked.

"Helping" Brendan replied reasonably.

"I didn't ask-"

"I am anyway"

Stephen watched him with suspicious eyes as he tidied the flat.

"What do you want from me, Brendan?"

Brendan turned to him, his face as open and honest as it would ever be.

"Nothing" he said simply.

Stephen frowned, watching as Brendan picked up some clothes from the floor.

"Then why-"

"Stephen. I can do the right thing sometimes, alright?"

Stephen nodded wordlessly, beginning to help Brendan tidy things away. "Thanks" he murmured once they were done. They stood awkwardly in front of each other. "I'll come back to work tomorrow" Stephen said quietly.

"That's good"

"And you'll be there too?"

Brendan shrugged. "Sure. If I can face it like I could today"

"What do you mean?"

Brendan sighed. "It doesn't just go away, Stephen. There are good days and bad days. Sometimes when I'm in that office I get so claustrophobic…" Brendan trailed off, wondering why he was telling Stephen such things.

"I remember the feeling, from when I was inside" Stephen said, to Brendan's surprise. "Just got to give it time"

Brendan turned away, not wanting Stephen to see his face. "Well, now I know ye are alright…" he walked towards the door.

Stephen hugged himself; he must have been cold in his frayed pyjama bottoms and thin t-shirt. "I'll be more presentable when you next see me" Stephen smiled faintly, looking up at Brendan through his long lashes.

"Good. That's good" Brendan found himself saying, unable to look Stephen in the eye anymore. "Ye take care of yerself"

"You too" Stephen said, scratching the back of his head.

Brendan let himself out, feeling strangely helpless. In his own misery he hadn't stopped to think how others might be feeling. People like Cheryl and Stephen in particular. He wanted to make things better for them, but how could he when he couldn't even help himself?

There was no easy fix, and Brendan didn't want one. If he was going to take anything positive away from his experience inside and everything else that had been piling up the last few months, it was that he was going to use his knowledge to help Stephen through whatever it was he was going through. He might be the last person Stephen needed right now but a part of him didn't care. He couldn't leave him to suffer, he had done enough to him in the past to cause such suffering and he couldn't bear to put him through any more. He was going to help, whether Stephen liked it or not. He was going to fix him, and maybe himself along the way.


	2. Chapter Two

Chapter Two

Brendan returned home, the darkness of the night suffocating all around him. Today was supposed to be the beginning of something but he couldn't quite work out what. He wanted to help Stephen, that was for certain. But in the process he needed to help himself, otherwise he would be of no use to either of them.

He had spent weeks in an almost comatose trance; fuelling his body on alcohol and suffering from lack of rest. Brendan couldn't even recall the last time he had gotten a solid nights sleep. He was weary, in more ways than one. There was no peace anywhere. Every night when he had been inside he had woken fitfully every few hours, wondering when the next beating would occur, and wondering what he was even doing there. It made him question how his lovers had felt; never knowing when the next beating would happen, when Brendan would next snap.

Brendan shuddered away from such thoughts, or perhaps it was simply from the cold. He walked home a little faster, suddenly feeling the need to get inside. It was strange really, how he could shift from claustrophobia to the desperate need to shut himself away from everyone. He wanted his space, but he was scared to be trapped.

When he finally made it home the lights were off. Cheryl was either not home yet or asleep. Brendan turned on a small lamp and headed straight for the whiskey. It dulled the ache, at least temporarily. Brendan wasn't sure what he was even in pain from or why it wouldn't seem to go away. It felt like a constant stream of despair that wouldn't lift, as though every bad thought had come to the surface and nested there.

Draining his glass, Brendan moved towards his bedroom, unbuttoning his shirt as he went. He lay on his bed for a while on top of the covers. Everytime he closed his eyes the same haunting images passed through his mind. Stephen, Danny, Warren. Their faces haunted him. Stephen's in particular made his stomach clench in need and desperation. He couldn't even fathom rest until he knew that Stephen was doing the same.

Wordlessly he climbed out of bed and redressed himself, preparing to brave the cold once more.

xxx

Ste was awake. It was strange having the flat to himself; the emptiness of it was stifling. He wasn't even in bed; instead he moved around the different rooms trying to feel like he belonged somewhere. He needed a place he could rest properly and keep the nightmares away. Finding himself in Lucas' room, Ste closed his eyes in relief. Here was his safe haven. The place his son slept and played. What better place to calm his troubled mind?

He had only closed his eyes for a few moments when he heard a strange sound coming from outside. The walls were thin here, an unfortunate circumstance of living somewhere so cheap. Ste stood up carefully, walking slowly towards the front door. He opened it a crack, peering outside into the night. There was no one there. Beginning to think it had been a stray animal, Ste opened the door wider for a final peek and at that moment spotted a dark figure coming towards him.

He almost shouted out until he realised it was Brendan, looking more than a little worse for wear. Ste stared at him silently, a small part of him tempted to close the door on him but of course he couldn't. And judging by the look on Brendan's face he knew he wouldn't either. Ste stepped aside, allowing him to enter his home. Brendan brought in the cold with him along with a few leaves attached to the soles of his shoes. Ste tutted, only to receive an apologetic smile from Brendan as he wiped his feet.

Brendan followed him back to Lucas' bedroom. Ste was in no mood to talk and he could tell that Brendan wasn't either. Placing his hands on his hips, Ste surveyed the small bed and sighed at its lack of space. Brendan glanced back to Ste's bedroom curiously but Ste shook his head, his expression informing Brendan that he couldn't face his own room tonight, and that he had come to this particular room for a reason.

Brendan held up a finger, leaving the room and returning moments later with the duvet and some pillows from Ste's bed. He placed some of the pillows on the floor, including the few on Lucas' bed and then threw the duvet over the top of them to create his own makeshift bed on the floor. Ste smiled, pleased with Brendan's resourcefulness. He took off his trousers so that he was left in his t-shirt and boxers for bed. Brendan looked him over appreciatively, a sly smiling gracing his lips. Ste rolled his eyes and tugged at Brendan's trousers to illustrate that he follow suit.

They both crawled beneath the covers, the pillows providing a reasonably comfortable bed for them. Ste purposefully left Lucas' Night Light on, feeling embarassed at needing it tonight but also grateful that Brendan didn't say a word about it. Ste smiled at Brendan, their bodies barely touching except for their knees which were drawn up together to make room.

Brendan reached out tentatively to cup Ste's face, his hand lingering there as he gazed at him for some time, neither of them making that extra step towards each other. Feeling the tension bubble in his stomach, Ste turned his body away from Brendan, his face cold from where Brendan's hand had touched him. It was no surprise to feel Brendan shift closer towards him, curling his arms protectively around Ste's smaller frame and pulling him against his body, warming him from the inside and out.

Ste felt a pair of lips in his hair and closed his eyes at the sensation that engulfed his body at feeling Brendan so close once more after such a long time of absense. It was almost easy after that to find himself drifting into sleep, and he knew instinctively that Brendan was doing the same as his body went lax against his.


	3. Chapter Three

Chapter Three

The next morning it took Brendan a while to work out where he was. His back ached a little from the uncomfortable position on the floor, despite the pillows. Stephen was still in his arms, sleeping soundly. Brendan tentatively reached to brush the hair away from Stephen's forehead. It was so rare to get moments like these where he could simply marvel at his beauty and hold him without restraint or complication. Brendan almost wanted to stay here forever; wrapped in their cocoon together where nothing could spoil it.

Unfortunately real life still existed and was proved to be a menace as the phone started to ring. Stephen jerked awake, disoriented.

"I'll get it" Brendan said, slipping out of the covers. He was still a little glazed over himself. It was only when he picked up the phone and said hello did him and Stephen share a wide-eyed look. "Oh, Amy" Brendan winced. "Hm, yes he's here" Brendan passed the phone to Stephen who stared at him in exasperation. Brendan mouthed his apologises.

"Ames" Stephen said. He looked at Brendan, turning away to muffle his voice. "Nothing's going on. He just came to talk"

Brendan snorted. Stephen glared at him.

"Well I didn't invite him, no. Amy! Just, please when are you coming home?" Stephen smiled apologetically at him. "Okay, I'll see you soon then. Bye"

Brendan cocked his head to the side. "How's Amy?"

"She's fine" Stephen sighed. "Coming home tomorrow"

"Great" Brendan said. "I expect she isn't best pleased with me right now"

"More annoyed with me to be honest" Stephen ran his fingers through his hair. "I need to clear up"

"The flat's fine" Brendan took a hesitant step forward but Stephen immediately backed away.

"I'm sorry" Stephen mumbled.

"It's alright" Brendan said, clasping his hands behind his back in a bid to appear less threatening.

"Maybe we should talk later?"

Brendan nodded soberly. "I'll come round later tonight?"

"Okay" Stephen replied. "We're working together, right?"

"Yeah" Brendan glanced towards the door. "I guess I'll see ye later then?"

Stephen nodded, standing awkwardly with his arms hanging limply by his sides. Brendan strode forwards and took him in his arms for a moment, squeezing tightly before letting go.

"What was that for?" Stephen asked, dazed.

"Last night helped. A lot. First decent night's sleep I've had in a while"

"Oh, me too actually" Stephen looked down, a small smile on his face. "They say a good night's rest is the first step"

"Who are they?"

"I dunno. People say" Stephen smiled a little. "Anyway, I'm really glad you came"

"Thanks" Brendan said gruffly. "Ye want me to bring anything tonight? Dinner or something?"

"Sure" Stephen replied, puzzled but seemingly pleased.

"Ye need fattening up anyway" Brendan affectionately prodded Stephen's stomach.

"Hey! I've filled out a lot, me" Stephen grinned at him. His smile faltered as Brendan's hand lingered at his stomach. Brendan drew away hastily.

"Later then"

"Yeah" Stephen agreed. "See you"

xxx

It was a strange day at work. Brendan was still getting used to being around people properly. Everything seemed too loud and obnoxious for his liking. He was sorely tempted to disappear into the office but refrained when Stephen arrived. He seemed paler than he had back at his flat. Perhaps it was because Brendan was looking at him properly for the first time in a long while but he seemed smaller than normal. The joke about his weight hadn't been entirely misguided. It was true, Stephen had filled out a lot more but all of that progress was beginning to diminish.

"Ye okay?" Brendan asked quietly as he moved behind the bar.

"Sure, why wouldn't I be?"

"Ye don't look so well" Brendan said carefully.

Stephen stared at him. "I feel fine"

"If ye say so" Brendan murmured. "What do ye want me to pick up for later?"

Stephen shrugged. "Chinese? Indian?"

Brendan laughed. "Do I want to be in the toilet all night?"

"Staying round are you?" Stephen raised his eyebrows, a small smile on his lips.

Brendan blinked several times. "Good point"

"But yeah, I'd like Indian" Stephen said softly. "Lots of poppadoms"

"Ye got it" Brendan agreed. Cheryl swept in at that moment, stopping short at the sight of them. "What?" Brendan asked her.

Cheryl shook her head. "Just weird seeing you two both here, together"

Stephen smiled. "Had to come back sometime"

"I'm glad, love. Was starting to worry about you" Cheryl smiled kindly at him.

"Not worried about me then?" Brendan asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Of course I was" Cheryl said, rolling her eyes. "It was getting to the point where I was going to knock your heads together"

Brendan grinned wolfishly. "Thanks, Sis"

"No problem" Cheryl stepped into the office, winking as she closed the door behind her.

"I'm sorry if ye were going through a lot" Brendan said, turning to Stephen.

Stephen shrugged. "So were you. Let's save it for tonight, yeah?"

"Alright" Brendan agreed.

xxx

Brendan arrived at Stephen's flat a little after seven, takeaway in hand. Stephen came to the door in a white t-shirt and baggy jogging bottoms. Brendan was once again taken aback at how skinny he looked.

He held up the takeaway bag enticingly. "Hungry?"

"Starving" Stephen agreed, ushering Brendan inside.

"I got Chicken Tikka Massala" Brendan said, helping Stephen with the plates. "I wasn't sure if ye liked it"

"I do" Stephen said, smiling faintly. "Thanks"

"And I got them to add some extra poppadoms"

"Brilliant" Stephen passed Brendan a tray, their hands touching briefly. It was almost like being burnt.

"Thanks" Brendan muttered.

They sat on the sofa eating their meals in comparative silence. As usual Stephen broke it.

"This is good you know" he said conversationally, biting into a piece of naan bread. "Feels like I haven't eaten properly in weeks"

Brendan raised an eyebrow. "Have ye been taking care of yerself?"

Stephen shrugged. "Of course I have. But you know, takeaways aren't cheap and there's enough here to fill me twice over"

Brendan smiled. "Ye don't need this shit, ye are a chef"

"True" Stephen grinned. "Except I'm a barman now"

"Do ye miss it?" Brendan asked curiously.

"Do you miss not being a pilot?" Stephen countered. "I don't know really. It's like I started on this path and then everything changed"

"Because ye met me"

"Not necessarily. It was Cheryl who hired me for that food that got me fired"

Brendan laughed. "True. Sorry about that, by the way"

Stephen shrugged dismissively. "Not your fault. Guess it worked out alright in the end"

"Did it?"

Stephen looked at Brendan fondly. "We had some good times, didn't we? They weren't all bad"

"I guess not" Brendan said, a little surprised.

"I'm just sick of regrets" Stephen said. "They don't get you anywhere, do they?"

Brendan looked away. "It's not so easy to forget though. Regrets are there to remind ye of what not to do again"

"I know" Stephen said. "But after everything I just want a clean slate, you know?"

"Don't we all" Brendan murmured. "Ye know I met a bloke in prison-"

"What?"

Brendan rolled his eyes, smirking. "Calm down, not like that. Anyway this bloke. He was inside for theft, nothing major. He got a few years for it and I asked him if he wished he hadn't stole all that money because he had a daughter at home and he was missing her growing up"

"That's really sad" Stephen mumbled.

"He didn't regret it though. He told me that even though he was wrong, regretting it would only feed whatever voice in his head told him it was alright in the first place to do what he did. He couldn't regret it because it would never be okay that he let his daughter down like that. Instead he decided to do what it took to see her again, keep his head down and all that"

"I don't completely follow" Stephen admitted.

"No use regretting something if ye can never make up for it, Stephen. Ye can only be sorry and hope that whoever ye have let down accepts that and forgives ye. But of course some things ye can't forgive..."

"Everyone deserves a second chance, right?"

"What if ye are on yer fifth or something?" Brendan countered.

"Are you asking me to forgive you?"

"No" Brendan said decisively. "I just want ye to know I'm sorry"

"And so am I" Stephen said with a sigh. "No matter what I thought of you, I never should have believed you murdered Rae. I should have known better"

"I thought ye knew me better than anyone"

"It felt like I didn't know you at all"

"Do ye want to though? Know me?"

"I honestly couldn't say" Stephen pushed his tray away. "I guess I just want some peace now, some happiness"

"Yeah I get that" Brendan breathed out deeply. "I don't even know if we fit into each others lives anymore, Stephen"

"I guess we'll have to find out" Stephen said, smiling at Brendan. "Can we do it? Start over?"

"Ye want to?"

"More than anything"

Brendan nodded. "Then we will. Starting now"

"Great"

"Stephen?" Brendan asked after a few moments of silence.

"Yeah?"

"What does that involve exactly?"

Stephen laughed, reaching for the remote. "It means getting to know each other again, no pressure"

"I can deal with that" Brendan settled back into the sofa. "Put something decent on though will ye?"

Stephen grinned. "I've got good taste, me"

"Course ye do" Brendan murmured dryly.

"Oi I do as it happens"

"In what? Clothes? Boyfriends?"

"Shut up" Stephen pushed him affectionately.

Brendan hesitated a moment, Stephen was so close. "Will ye come here?" He placed his arm around the back of the sofa. Stephen stared at his side hesitantly.

"Alright" he agreed, slotting himself against Brendan's side. "Like this?"

"Yeah, perfect" Brendan wrapped his arm around Stephen's waist, holding him close.

"Bren?"

"Hm?"

"Feels right this, doesn't it?"

Brendan brushed his lips over the top of Stephen's head. "Like coming home"


	4. Chapter Four

Chapter Four

It was weird for Ste, being back in Brendan's life. Their first few days together were quiet but unstrained. Once Amy returned they had to meet at Brendan's instead to avoid her remarks. It wasn't ideal but at least their relationship wasn't a secret anymore. Ste wasn't even sure if it _was_a relationship. He didn't really expect anything in particular; he just wanted to be near Brendan in a way that didn't end in tears.

Things were far from ordinary however. They had both been in very dark places for the last few months and it was difficult to let go of all the frustration felt on both sides. Ste recalled their first few encounters when Brendan had emerged from prison and how confusing they had been. It seemed surreal now that they were getting on so well; there was still a lot to deal with but Ste was feeling positive.

"Ste, can you help with the shopping?" Amy asked from the doorway, holding several shopping bags. Ste jumped up, pushing his thoughts aside. "Where's your head at, hm?" Amy raised her eyebrows suspiciously. She was watching him like a hawk since she'd been back. Ste thought she felt guilty for leaving him and giving Brendan a chance to speak to him. He wanted to explain to her that it wasn't like that but he knew she wouldn't listen.

"Buy much?" Ste asked lightly, pulling items out of the bags.

"I panicked" Amy explained. "It always feels like we run out too quickly"

"That's because of this belly monster" Ste tickled Lucas who was sitting on the floor. He giggled happily, holding out his arms for Ste to pick him up, which he did.

"Are you here for dinner?" Amy asked casually but Ste could see right through her.

"I'm not seeing Brendan tonight, if that's what you mean"

"Oh?" Amy feigned surprise.

"Ames, drop the act"

Amy sighed, smiling at him. "When will you be seeing him again?"

Ste shrugged. "I don't know"

"When it suits him I bet" Amy murmured.

"It isn't like that" Ste said, exasperated.

"What is it like then?"

"Can we not do this?" Ste glanced down at Lucas whose little smile began to fall.

"I like Brendan" he said quietly, turning his face into Ste's shoulder.

Ste smiled cheekily at Amy. "I'm glad someone does"

Amy rolled her eyes. "As long as you know what you're doing…"

"I do! Nothing's happened, not like that"

Amy's face scrunched up in confusion. "Then what are you doing?"

Ste looked away, embarrassed. "We just sit, talk occasionally. Sometimes we get takeout"

Amy looked at Ste doubtfully. "You sit? That's it?"

"Well, sometimes we…" Ste blushed. "Sometimes he holds me"

Amy's expression softened deceptively for a moment. "Well, I suppose that's alright. Just be careful, okay? I do worry"

"I know you do, and I will" Ste leant forwards to kiss her cheek. "Everything will be alright"

"I trust you" Amy said warmly. "But-"

"I know" Ste rolled his eyes. "Aren't you going out soon anyway? You'd better get ready"

"You sure you don't mind babysitting?"

"Course not. We'll have fun, won't we, Lucas?"

Lucas nodded enthusiastically. Ste lowered him carefully onto the floor.

"What will you do?" Amy asked, bustling around the kitchen for her purse.

Ste shrugged. "Watch some telly, nothing exciting"

"If you need me-"

"I'll be fine" Ste sighed.

Once Amy had left, Ste ran a bath for the kids, read them a story and tucked them into bed. He had just settled down on the sofa, remote in hand, when he heard a persistent tapping on the door.

Frowning, Ste stood up, walking towards the door slowly. "Who is it?" he hissed through the letterbox.

"It's me" A surly Irish voice intoned.

"Brendan? What are you doing here?" Ste opened the door, crossing his arms in annoyance. "The kids are asleep"

"Better shh then" Brendan placed a finger over his lips a little clumsily.

"Are you _drunk?_" Ste asked incredulously.

"I don't like yer tone" Brendan mocked, attempting to step through the doorway.

"I've got the kids!" Ste protested, grabbing Brendan by the hips to hold him back.

"Oh, Stephen ye-" Brendan began suggestively.

Ste clamped a hand over his mouth, pulling him inside. "If you're coming in you have to sober up"

Brendan rolled his eyes. "If ye insist"

"I do! Why are you even drinking like this?" Ste could smell the whiskey on his breath.

Brendan shrugged, stumbling to the sofa with Ste's support; his arm around his waist. Somehow Brendan managed to pull him with him as he collapsed onto it. Ste wondered if it had been intentional. It was the closest they had come to being intimate in a long time. Ste flushed visibly, attempting to extricate himself from Brendan's limbs which seemed to be scrambled with his own.

"Stephen" Brendan said, mockingly serious. "Yer _hand__" _Ste brought it away hastily as though burnt.

"It wasn't deliberate"

"Of course not" Brendan rolled them into a position so that Ste remained on his lap, Brendan's arms around his waist. "That's better"

"For who?" Ste shot back, irritable.

"Have I upset ye?"

"Yes! Turning up here, drunk and disorderly. I've got kids here, me"

"I'm sorry I just-" Brendan coughed uncomfortably. Ste looked into his face, searching.

"What? What happened?"

"It's nothing" Brendan shook his head, his voice gruff.

"Brendan-" Ste reached out to touch his face but Brendan flinched away. "What is it?"

"Nightmares…" Brendan trailed off. "They keep coming. Can't sleep, can't think…"

Ste swallowed hard. "But the other night? We slept-"

"Together" Brendan said dazedly. "But alone…no, it's no good" Brendan wasn't making a lot of sense but Ste got the gist of it.

"You're saying the nightmares stay away when you sleep with me?"

Brendan looked at Ste, unfocused. "I think…yeah"

"Well that's a pretty lame chat up line isn't it?"

Brendan chuckled, shaking his head. "When I was inside…and all I saw every night was-" Brendan cut off, looking fixedly away from Ste. "Ye are here, solid flesh, in my arms. Somehow it's a comfort" Brendan held him that little bit tighter.

Ste sighed, his hands on Brendan's shoulders. "You can only stay if you let me sober you up"

"Alright. Deal"

Ste got up carefully, knowing that Brendan let go of him reluctantly. He went to the kettle first, making a black coffee which he handed to Brendan.

"Drink" Ste instructed, walking out of the room to the bathroom. He turned the tap, adjusting the shower head attached to the taps. They didn't have a proper shower so this would have to do.

Walking back to the living room, Ste helped Brendan to his feet and led him to the bathroom where he stripped him and made him sit in the bath as he poured water onto his head, waking him up. It wasn't long until he began returning to his normal self; shaking his wet hair like a dog and glaring at Ste.

"That's enough, Stephen"

Ste turned off the water, towelling Brendan's hair dry. "Better?" He asked, somewhat amused.

Brendan merely grunted in reply, whipping the towel out of Ste's hands. "Was more fun being drunk"

"I'll bet"

There was a silence in which Ste realised that Brendan was naked and that he hadn't seen him like this for a long time. Since he had been released from prison his body had changed; he was more muscled, particularly in his arms, and generally bigger than Ste remembered. Ste wasn't sure whether to be aroused or afraid.

"Liking the view?" Brendan asked smartly, reaching for a second towel. "If ye wanted to get me naked, Stephen ye only had to ask…"

"Shut up" Ste said, smiling in spite of himself.

Brendan wrapped the towel around his waist, leaning a little on Ste to step out of the bathtub.

"Someone needs to buy ye a proper shower"

"We're fine" Ste sighed. "Are you alright now?"

"Mm" Brendan replied vaguely. "Embarrassed myself a bit didn't I?"

"Of course not" Ste said, looking at the floor instead of at Brendan's bare chest.

"Something wrong, Stephen?"

"No"

Ste felt fingertips on his chin, tilting his head up. "Does this bother ye?"

"Why would it?" Ste asked tersely, avoiding Brendan's gaze with difficulty.

Brendan chuckled low in his throat, releasing Ste's chin. "I'll get dressed"

"Thanks" Ste said with relief, wincing as he realised how that sounded. "I mean-"

"Don't worry about it" Brendan said, amused.

Ste walked towards the door. "I'll give you some privacy"

"Wait" Brendan said, grabbing Ste's hand. Ste felt a tingle up his spine at the contact. "I'm sorry I came round like this"

"It's okay" Ste muttered. "Do you…do you want to stay tonight?"

Brendan looked at Ste sharply. "Ye want me to?"

Ste shrugged, feeling embarrassed. "It would be nice…if you want to"

"Amy won't mind?"

"She isn't here but anyway, it doesn't matter"

"Ye sure about that?"

"It's my place too" Ste replied, a little petulant. "So will you?"

Brendan pulled Ste towards him by the hand he was still holding. He raked his fingers through his hair, his fingertips lingering on his face. "Yeah. Yeah I will" he said softly. Their lips were inches apart. Ste stared down at Brendan's, fighting the urge to kiss him.

"I, uh…" Ste stammered. Brendan was so _close._He could practically feel the bristles of his moustache against his upper lip.

"Daddy?"

Ste jolted away from Brendan, his attention turned to Lucas in the doorway.

"Oh, mate what's up? Can't you sleep?" Ste opened his arms to him, picking him up. Lucas shook his head unhappily. "I'll read you another story, yeah?"

Lucas shook his head again, pointing over Ste's shoulder. "I heard Brendan"

Ste turned around to look at Brendan.

"Did I wake ye, wee man?"

"No" Lucas said. "But read to me"

"Lucas, Brendan doesn't-"

"I'll do it" Brendan cut across him. "Here, give him to me" Brendan had put a shirt on in the process.

Ste handed him over wordlessly, watching Brendan walk out of the room with him. He followed them to Lucas' room, sitting beside Brendan on the edge of the bed.

"What story do ye want?" Brendan asked Lucas.

"Make one up"

Brendan glanced at Ste, his lips twitching in amusement. "Alright. There was once a…Prince" Brendan was smiling now. "He had dirty blonde hair and big blue eyes" Ste sniggered, causing Brendan to elbow him. "And um, he had a son. A little kid, yer age"

"And what did this Prince do, Brendan?" Ste asked teasingly.

Brendan shot him a look. "He worked with this man, who wasn't the nicest of men" Brendan said. "But the man looked after the Prince-"

"Did he love him?" Lucas piped up suddenly.

Brendan was taken aback. Ste stared at him. "He did" Brendan eventually said. "Very much. They had a lot of battles to face together but they always came out triumphant"

Lucas' eyes began to droop. "And they lived happily ever after?"

"Of course they did, son" Brendan said gruffly. Ste took Brendan's hand, squeezing tightly as Lucas drifted off to sleep.

"Thank you" he mouthed. Brendan shrugged, standing up. They walked out of the room quietly. "You're just a big softie really, aren't you?" Ste teased as they closed the door behind them.

"Tell no one" Brendan said, mock-serious.

Ste smiled, suddenly finding the situation awkward. "About what just happened-"

"Can we not?" Brendan sighed. "My head's killing me"

Ste rolled his eyes. "Hangover settling in early?"

"Something like that"

"Should we just…go to bed then?" Ste asked awkwardly.

Brendan smirked. "Well-"

"Bren" Ste warned.

"Yeah, please"

Ste walked to his bedroom door, Brendan following. He hastily tidied a few things away. Brendan hadn't stayed round in a while; he rarely did anyway.

Brendan stared at Ste's bed, probably thinking the same thing Ste was.

"It's a bit small…" Ste said, coughing awkwardly. "I can sleep on the sofa?"

"Don't be stupid" Brendan said, offhandedly. He stripped out of his shirt, dropping his towel to the ground.

"_Brendan_" Ste whispered, averting his eyes.

Brendan gave an odd little shiver. "I do like ye saying my name like that"

"Shut your mouth!" Ste said teasingly.

"Why don't ye shut it for me?" Brendan purred, walking towards Ste.

"Hey I thought you had sobered up!"

Brendan wet his lips. "I am sober"

Ste backed away a few steps. "You're doing that predatory thing where you growl and look at me all funny as though I'm supposed to drop my pants"

Brendan cocked an eyebrow. "Aren't ye going to?"

"No" Ste said, unconvincingly. Brendan had reached him now. "There should be rules-"

Brendan leaned forwards, placing a careful kiss to Ste's lips. Immediately Ste felt a rush and he knew Brendan felt it too when he pulled away, looking at Ste in some surprise.

"I'd forgotten how good-"

"Yeah, whatever" Ste said, grabbing him and kissing him fiercely. Somehow they tumbled onto the bed, Ste's clothes practically flying off in their haste.

"Stephen" Brendan groaned, kissing down his neck. Ste tangled his fingers in Brendan's hair, tugging hard.

Brendan flipped their positions so he was lying on top of him. He stroked a line down his face, cupping his cheek.

"Beautiful" he murmured huskily, as if to himself. Ste's eyes rolled back as Brendan moved down his body, kissing, licking, teasing. It had been so long; Ste was more than a little overzealous in his desire for the Irishman.

Ste found himself with his legs wrapped around Brendan's neck, Brendan's hand resting for support on Ste's chest. It was an intense position; particularly because of the way Brendan's eyes burned into his skin; almost as though he were memorising every new fixture of Ste's body.

Ste was suddenly overwhelmed by the situation. Every time they did this he couldn't quite believe a creature like Brendan was doing this to him. He was everywhere; his presence was suffocating but in such an intoxicating way that Ste relished it. He often wondered how he could possibly be enough for Brendan but in every gaze and stroke he knew Brendan wanted him, needed him even.

The climax was sweet and heady. Brendan almost collapsed on top of him but slid to his side at the last moment. He threw his arm across Ste's stomach, as he was wont to do. It wasn't as possessive as Ste remembered it being; or perhaps he was so used to Brendan's little quirks that it all unfazed him.

"Did we just cross a line there?" Ste asked, breathing heavily.

"What do ye mean?" Brendan asked.

"We were getting on so well and then suddenly we're all over each other like it's-"

"Inevitable" Brendan finished. He sighed. "I can't help it" he said softly, turning his head to the side. "Just look at ye"

Ste turned away, blushing. "You're mental, you are"

"True, but I still want ye"

"I gathered that" Ste replied dryly. He turned back to see Brendan staring at him intently. "What?"

"We'll be okay won't we, Stephen?" There was a strange glint in his eye, one of sadness and fear.

Ste tucked himself against Brendan's body, curling up as he often did. Brendan wrapped his arms around him.

"We'll worry about that tomorrow" he said softly. Brendan could only hold him tighter in response.


	5. Chapter Five

Chapter Five

Ste woke up the next morning, feeling strange and out of place, even in his own bed. It took a moment to register why he felt that way; about the same moment he spotted the Irishman sleeping soundly beside him. Ste smiled contently, remembering how good last night felt, how right. He wasn't sure if this would change the progress they had made recently. Things were finally becoming clearer and he didn't want to lose that.

He sat up slowly, swinging his legs out of bed. He stood up quickly but immediately sat down again, feeling dizzy.

"Stephen?" Brendan asked groggily. "Ye alright?"

"Yeah, course" Ste responded automatically. He didn't like to make a fuss. "Got up too quick"

Brendan nodded, curling an arm around his bare waist. "Come back to bed then" he kissed his shoulder to reiterate the request.

"Bren…" Ste began warningly as he was pulled back down into Brendan's embrace.

"What? We've got a lot of catching up to do"

"Even so" Ste attempted to sit up again but Brendan pinned him lightly to the bed.

"Don't make me tie ye to the bed"

Ste laughed low in his throat. "Wouldn't dream of it"

"I would" Brendan growled, relinquishing his hold on Ste. "Ye look pale, Stephen"

"Do I?" Ste touched his face absentmindedly. His stomach growled, making Brendan chuckle. "I must need feeding"

Brendan bowed his head, sighing. "That involves getting up though doesn't it?"

"I'm afraid so" Ste grinned a little, getting out of bed more carefully this time. "What'll it be then? Fry up? Toast? Cereal?"

"I'll help" Brendan threw the covers away, leaving very little to the imagination. He raised his eyebrows at Ste suggestively.

"No" Ste said firmly, smiling and turning his gaze away. "Breakfast. Now"

Brendan sighed, putting on some trousers. "Yes, dear" he said ironically.

xxx

Ste crept quietly out of his bedroom, glancing around for signs of Amy.

"She must be asleep" he whispered, stopping short and causing Brendan to bump straight into him. "Watch it!" Ste exclaimed, entirely too loudly. Amy's bedroom door burst open.

"What's going on?" She crossed her arms, looking disapproving. Ste noted that he was only wearing boxers. Thankfully Brendan had had the sense to throw Ste's dressing gown on.

"Um" Ste began lamely. "Brendan came round last night…"

"I see that" Amy said curtly, looking over Ste's shoulder at Brendan.

"And Lucas wanted a story"

"Oh I know" Amy said, a smile tugging at her lips.

"You do?"

"He told me all about it this morning" Amy rolled her eyes. "I'll leave you to it; I've got to get them to nursery"

"I can do that" Ste offered.

"No, it's fine. You had to baby-sit last night, it's my turn" Amy moved towards the living room.

"Have a nice day, Amy" Brendan said smoothly. Ste turned to glare at him.

When the door clicked shut, Brendan disrobed himself. "I'm taking a bath" he announced without waiting for a response.

"Knock yourself out" Ste said, moving towards the kitchen. He made scrambled eggs on toast, delighting in the smell wafting from the pan.

"Something smells good" Brendan wandered in, towel wrapped around his waist.

"Sit down" Ste instructed, placing a plate in front of him. Ste sat opposite.

"Delicious" Brendan murmured, unceremoniously wolfing down the eggs. Ste toyed with his for a while. Brendan glanced up at him, frowning. "Not hungry?"

"I thought I was" Ste took a bite, savouring the taste on his tongue. "Nice though"

Brendan took a large bite of toast. "Ye got plans today?"

Ste shrugged. "Nothing in particular. It's my day off, isn't it?"

"Mine too"

"Really?"

"Is now" Brendan gave a wicked smile.

Ste shuffled nervously in his seat. "You wanna do something then? Together?"

Brendan slowly began to smile. "Are ye asking me on a date, Mr Hay?"

Ste rolled his eyes. "I'm not feeding your ego"

"Go on, indulge me" Brendan pressed.

Ste sighed. "Alright then. Brendan, will you spend the day with me?"

Brendan pretended to think about it. "Why, Stephen I'd be happy to"

"Wonderful" Ste said lightly, standing up to take their plates to the sink. He stopped a moment, steadying himself.

"Ye sure ye are up to it?" Brendan asked, looking concerned.

"Course" Ste smiled tightly. "Just give me a minute to get ready"

xxx

"So where are we going?" Stephen piped up, swaddled in a scarf and one of Brendan's thicker coats. Brendan wasn't always this sentimental but he was worried for Stephen. Boy seemed to feel the chill easier these days.

"Somewhere…interesting" Brendan supplied unhelpfully.

Stephen raised his eyebrows, his lips turning up into a smirk. "Like?"

Brendan considered this. "Let's start small, go for a coffee"

"Terribly thrilling" Stephen said sarcastically but he was still smiling like an overexcited child. "I haven't felt this cheerful in months" he proclaimed, mirroring Brendan's thoughts.

"I bring out the best in ye, eh?"

Stephen shrugged, wrapping his arms around himself. "I guess so. Amy's gonna have a right go at me later though"

Brendan rolled his eyes. "It's none of her business"

"She is the mother of me kids though"

"Ye think I let Eileen give me dating advice?" Brendan asked ironically. "Ye are well out of that, Stephen"

"Out of what? Women?" Stephen grinned.

"If that's how ye wanna put it" Brendan replied, amused.

They arrived at the coffee shop; Brendan ordered himself a cappuccino and Stephen a hot chocolate.

"I think ye are hyper enough" Brendan informed him, handing over the mug.

"Cheers for that" Stephen laughed, finding them a seat.

They sat in companionable silence for a while. Brendan eyed the people around them warily. He still wasn't entirely comfortable but he was getting there.

"This is nice, innit?" Stephen said, sipping his drink.

"Mm" Brendan agreed. "I have some business to attend to later"

"Oh" Stephen looked a little disappointed.

"Ye can come along" Brendan said quickly, wincing at how keen he sounded. "It's nothing major"

"Is it dodgy?" Stephen asked coyly.

Brendan gave him a hard look. "Do I look like the kinda man to do anything dodgy, Stephen?"

Stephen stared him down. "Do you really want me to answer that?"

Brendan laughed in spite of himself. "I'm not forcing ye to come…"

"No, I will" Stephen said eagerly.

Brendan raised his eyebrows. "Miss the thrill of it, do ye?"

Stephen blushed. "Maybe. Sometimes"

"It's not a big deal anyway" Brendan said, leaning back in his seat. "Won't take long"

"Brilliant" Stephen settled back in his own seat. "Where we gotta go then?"

"Into town" Brendan replied, draining the last of his coffee. "Better make it quick"

"Alright" Stephen put his mug down, reaching into his jeans pocket for his wallet.

"No" Brendan said, shaking his head. "On me"

"Bren-"

"No arguments" he replied sternly.

Stephen relented, putting his wallet away. "We getting the bus?"

Brendan gave him a look. "Don't be stupid. I've got my car"

"Right" Stephen coughed, looking away.

"What is it?" Brendan asked, sighing. "I didn't mean it, calling ye stupid"

"It isn't that" Stephen sighed. "It's nothing, forget it"

"No, tell me" Brendan implored, leaning forwards to stare into Stephen's face.

"Rae was… you know" Stephen looked away.

"Oh" Brendan said, comprehension dawning on him. "I had it cleaned, after I got out"

"That's hardly the point" Stephen said. "It's creepy"

"Try not to think about it" Brendan said, rising from his seat.

Stephen looked very small all of a sudden, hunched in on himself. Brendan sighed. "I'll get us a taxi"

"No, I'm sorry. It's fine" Stephen moved past him to the door. "Just the little things, you know?"

"Only too well" Brendan held the door open for him. "We won't be in there long, promise"

"Okay" Stephen agreed. "Lead the way"

xxx

Brendan didn't give Stephen the specifics of the deal. It wasn't anything technically illegal; Brendan wasn't stupid, he wasn't going back inside for anything. But the guy he met with was dodgy, and that was enough to set Brendan's teeth on edge.

"Wait here" Brendan told Stephen, parking the car.

"I'll be lookout" Stephen said, glancing out of the window.

Brendan laughed. "That won't be necessary. It's nothing, really"

"Even so" Stephen seemed jittery. Not quite tense, but excited.

"I won't be long" Brendan told him, shutting the door and locking it.

He returned ten minutes later, sliding back into the driver's seat with ease. "Alright?" he asked Stephen, starting up the engine. Stephen nodded happily.

"What's all this?" Stephen had a hold of some papers from Brendan's glove compartment.

"Nothing" Brendan hastily snatched them away. "Nosy wee bugger, aren't ye?"

Stephen shrugged. "I was bored"

Brendan looked at him in amusement. "Perhaps I ought to get ye home then"

"Aw but-" Stephen broke off as he noticed the look on Brendan's face. _"Oh" _

xxx

Brendan took Stephen back to his, shouting out first to see if Cheryl or Lynsey were home.

"Not ashamed, are we?" Stephen grinned.

"Course not" Brendan murmured. "But ye are going to be very vocal"

"Am I now?" Stephen cocked an eyebrow.

"Always are" Brendan smirked, reaching for him.

There was something to be cherished in having a younger lover. Stephen's exuberance and energy was catching; Brendan often had to attempt to calm him down before he made Brendan excited too early. Stephen was a little pumped today for some reason, clinging to Brendan with his legs over his shoulders to allow Brendan the best position.

True to form, Stephen was _very _vocal. His moans reverberated around the bedroom, making Brendan grin and tease him that little bit more. It was different now; this thing they shared. It felt more natural, comfortable. Brendan knew what Stephen wanted, and vice versa. But it wasn't boring, it could never be boring. Brendan had every inch of Stephen memorised; every mole, every flutter of hair on his stomach. He wanted to taste every possible inch of skin and knew one day he would.

The climax was sweet and heady. Stephen carefully disengaged his legs from Brendan's shoulders, panting up at him, sweat all over his face.

"That was…" Stephen breathed.

"Ye look worn out and I did all the work!" Brendan teased, standing to clean himself up. "Need water?"

"Yes please" Stephen said, sitting up carefully and closing his eyes.

"Something wrong?"

"No, no I'm fine" Stephen's voice changed abruptly. "That water?"

"Coming up" Brendan said, tension creeping into his very bones.

Brendan was clumsy getting him a glass of water. He noticed his hands were shaking. What was making him react this way? Stephen's voice though… something wasn't right"

"Got it" Brendan re-entered the room. "Stephen?"

Stephen was laid spread-eagled on Brendan's bed, eyes closed, chest rising and falling in short bursts.

"Stephen?" Brendan put the glass down, jumping on the bed beside him. "Stephen? Not sleeping are ye?" Brendan pulled him into his arms, feeling his forehead and noticing the pallor of his skin. "Shit" he cursed, fumbling for his phone on the bedside cabinet. "Ambulance please"


	6. Chapter Six

A/N: Just to clarify, I'm not a medical expert, this is all a part of the story, and doesn't necessarily reflect issues in real life.

Chapter Six

In the first six seconds, Brendan was frantic. From what little he knew of first aid, he placed Stephen in the recovery position. He also had to redress him; combing the hair away from his forehead for good measure. In Brendan's experience, when someone passed out they were normally conscious again by now, if it wasn't serious. Stephen had been out for several minutes; his breathing had thankfully returned to normal.

The paramedic arrived with little haste, aggravating Brendan to no end. They checked him over, gave Brendan a few disapproving looks and asked for his name.

"Ste-Stephen" Brendan choked, alarmed that his ordinarily poised exterior was failing.

"How long has he been like this?"

"Couple minutes"

"Any health issues?"

"No"

"Has he been drinking?"

"No"

"Drugs?"

"Excuse me?" Brendan snarled. "He wouldn't touch the stuff"

"Alright" the paramedic said calmly. "Has he been doing anything that might have over-exerted him?"

Brendan hesitated, hastily swiping some balled up tissues on the bedside table. The paramedic followed his gaze and gave a small smile.

"Stephen? Can you hear me?" The paramedic spoke softly, close to Stephen's face. "He's stirring"

"He is?" Brendan hurried forwards, grabbing at Stephen, oblivious to anyone else around him. "Stephen? Can ye hear me?"

"What?" Stephen whispered. "What's going on? Brendan?" Stephen's eyes opened wide, staring around him in confusion.

"Shh, I'm here" Brendan said softly, laughing in pure relief. "Thank God" he breathed.

"What happened?"

"You passed out" the paramedic informed him. "We're going to take you to the hospital so you can have some tests done, see what might have caused it"

"Why?" Stephen asked, frowning. "I just passed out, that's all"

"But ye haven't been well, Stephen" Brendan said quietly. Stephen stared at him in disbelief.

"That's nothing! I'm fine" Stephen tried to sit up but Brendan grabbed him hastily.

"Just a check up, that's all"

"I don't want to" Stephen whined softly. Brendan and the paramedic shared an amused look.

"Humour us, yeah?"

Stephen reluctantly agreed, allowing Brendan and the paramedic to carry him out to the ambulance.

xxx

"Mr Hay, would you prefer to speak in private?"

The Doctor had given Stephen a blood test a few hours before. Brendan and Stephen had been sitting in the waiting room for some time, Stephen wrapped in Brendan's coat.

"No it's okay, he can come"

Brendan looked up in surprise, strangely touched by Stephen's words. He followed him and the Doctor into one of the rooms, clicking the door shut behind them.

"You'll be happy to hear your blood work came back normal"

Brendan released a breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding. Stephen didn't look quite as relieved however.

"Then what's wrong with me? Why am I passing out and feeling faint and losing my appetite?"

The Doctor looked at him sympathetically. "When I checked you over I noticed you were underweight"

Brendan looked at Stephen and then back to the Doctor. "He's always been skinny, Doc"

"Even so" The Doctor said mildly. "When you came to us before-"

"Before?" Brendan looked at Stephen in surprise. "When?"

"Amy was worried about me, asked me to get a check up" Stephen sighed. "Go on, Doctor"

"You've lost a lot of weight since your last check up, and from your records I can see you were referred to a therapist"

Brendan frowned. "Ye what? What is she talking about, Stephen?"

"Brendan" Stephen warned quietly. "I didn't go" he addressed the Doctor.

"I see that" The Doctor smiled a little. "Can I ask why?"

Stephen shrugged. "Didn't think it would help"

"The last Doctor who examined you seemed to think there was cause enough"

Stephen looked away guiltily. "What can I say? I've had a bad time of it, not for the first time" Stephen's gaze drifted to Brendan momentarily.

"And can I assume you haven't been eating a lot? Not had much of an appetite?"

Stephen looked away. "I haven't felt like eating much"

"We ate together" Brendan said petulantly, startling the two of them.

"I do eat" Stephen said, ignoring Brendan. "I've just been under a lot of stress"

"I understand that" The Doctor said kindly. "This is why I strongly recommend you do take part in some kind of counselling. Your lack of appetite seems to be down to stress and your lack of nourishment has been making you feel faint"

Stephen bowed his head. "I'm not sure…"

"Stephen" Brendan said quietly. "Do what the Doctor says"

"Will you?" Stephen looked at him sharply.

"Will I what?" Brendan asked, startled.

"Get counselling, with me"

Brendan was momentarily stunned. "I, well-"

"I can refer you for couples counselling" The Doctor said helpfully.

"We're not-" Stephen began but stopped himself. "I just, I can't do this alone" he said quietly in Brendan's direction. "Not anymore"

Brendan looked between the two of them. Normally he would crack a joke, say he was above some quack telling him to talk about his childhood or whatever, but the look on Stephen's face stopped him. He seemed so small, and helpless. Earlier when he had been passed out on Brendan's bed, Brendan had felt sick with fear, thinking that he had caused it somehow, like he had caused so many of Stephen's troubles. To see him so vulnerable, and to know that it wasn't the first time he had seen him that way, even though he had never looked properly then, couldn't even bring himself to, was enough to make Brendan despise himself more than ever.

"Bren?" Stephen prompted, his blue eyes wide and hopeful.

"Alright" Brendan said gruffly. "If it helps ye, I'll do it. Only for you"

Stephen smiled with relief, taking Brendan's hand briefly in his own before pulling away. "Thank you"

xxx

The Doctor referred them to a specialist; their first session was next week. Brendan felt very ill at ease with the idea but hid his doubts for Stephen's sake. They walked out of the hospital, Stephen still feeling a little delicate.

"Ye need to do something for me now" Brendan told him.

"What is it?"

"Ye need to eat properly, take care of yerself"

Stephen nodded. "Of course. It wasn't intentional, I just… I don't know"

"Why did ye let it get this far?"

"I didn't even realise things were this bad" Stephen sighed. "I promise you I'll get better"

"Yer kids need ye, Stephen. Amy needs ye. I…I need ye"

Stephen looked at him in surprise. "Yeah?"

"Always" Brendan said, his voice a low growl. He pulled Stephen against him suddenly. The brief bit of contact settled him somewhat. "Now let's get ye home, alright?"

"Okay" Stephen agreed, smiling.


	7. Chapter Seven

Chapter Seven

Brendan put Stephen to bed straight away when they got back to his. It gave him the chance to think. He sat on the edge of the bed, pulling the covers fully over Stephen's sleeping form, listening as small puffs of breath escaped his lips. Brendan rubbed at his own face with the palms of his hands.

He hadn't expected things to progress so quickly. He had known that he wanted this time to be different; he couldn't be the same man he was before prison, wouldn't allow himself to be. Stephen deserved a lot better than he was able to give him and yet the lad wanted him. Brendan couldn't deny any longer that he didn't want him just as much. He was captivated by him. It wasn't just his appearance; the milky soft skin, the ardent way his blue eyes would shine, the litheness of his physique. His smile. His pure, bright smile.

As if on cue, Stephen's lips parted, making a small smacking sound as he slept. Brendan had been so worried about him today. He was beginning to realise that his actions had consequences. It had always plagued him, the way he could hurt people, his lovers. Macca had taken each beating with a kind of inner strength and placidity. Looking back, Brendan could only admire him. He loved Brendan with everything he had, no holding back. Brendan was only sorry he could never reciprocate but it wasn't in his nature to love then, not like it was now.

Even so, his love wasn't like it was in the films. He didn't want to sweep Stephen into his arms and promise him a brighter tomorrow; he was more of a realist than that. All he wanted was to be with him, to protect him from harm, to make sure he stayed _his_ and no one else's. He hadn't been able to bear it with Noah. Just thinking of him now made his skin crawl. The idea that any man could touch his Stephen, make love to him, repulsed Brendan to the core. And yet he understood Stephen's need for a normal relationship; even though Noah had been wrong for him in every conceivable way, he didn't hurt him like Brendan did.

If prison had taught him anything it was that no man was untouchable. Even he, tough man Brendan Brady, was capable of being beaten down and discarded. He wouldn't allow it; he wanted to be unbreakable. And yet it had also taught him how it felt, how it ached. It wasn't so much the bruises or the cracked ribs, as painful as they were; it was the emasculation, the shame. Every night Brendan had thought of Stephen. Thought of how he didn't believe him, of how trusting he had once been of him and how Brendan had stamped it out of him long ago. He thought of the early days when Stephen would smile at him goofily without restraint, how in bed he would grab Brendan's hand when he knew he was too tired to react and he would let him, and how he would squeeze his fingers, his smile small and tentative.

All he had wanted to do was love Brendan. He had wanted to be with him, properly without fear. Brendan hadn't been able to accept that; he could barely even accept himself never mind the person who brought out the very best and worst in him. It would have been so easy to come out of prison and treat him worse. It was in Brendan's nature to do so after all. And yet the moment he had placed himself in Stephen's shoes, seen the utterly defeated way he stood, worn out and down, unable to deal anymore, Brendan had known that he wanted to be the one to be there for him, not the one to grind him down further.

He felt as though Stephen knew him. That was why it had hurt so much, knowing that he hadn't believed him about murdering those girls. He hadn't given him a reason to trust him but he thought that Stephen was smarter than that. It had taken a while for Brendan to realise that it wasn't as simple as that. It was easy for Stephen to believe he was the killer, because it meant that he could shut his feelings off towards him. Whether he truly believed it or not, it didn't matter. Any excuse to find a way out of the misery that was the two of them together. Of course, it hadn't all been bad. The day that Brendan had laid himself bare, had uttered those three little words that changed everything, that had been true, real.

Even then Stephen hadn't allowed himself to trust Brendan. And true to form, Brendan had let him down. If only he had waited, given Brendan a chance to adapt to his new situation. But of course, Stephen had waited long enough. This was Brendan's real test and he had failed. Not intentionally, but he had. Everything after that had been a mess. Brendan had been so desperate at first, willing Stephen to stay his, to not abandon him. But how could he not?

All of the snippiness and the bitterness couldn't disguise the fact that they still cared. They wanted a reaction out of each other, however negative. And once again Brendan had reverted to form, had spoken with his fists. Afterwards he was desperate again, willing Stephen to understand. But even he could feel that this was the end. And until recently, he had truly believed that. But Stephen, beautiful and kind-hearted as he was, was willing to give Brendan another chance, a final chance. He wanted them to get help, professionally. He wanted Brendan to tell the councillor everything he had just thought about. But when it came to it, Brendan couldn't.

There was still an innate part of him that wanted to hide, to conceal himself. He had the understanding, the patience to listen to what Stephen said, to what he thought about his life with Brendan. It pieced a lot together in Brendan's mind and yet he still couldn't bring himself to speak. Weeks passed and he said nothing. Stephen sat beside him, pouring his heart out, and Brendan remained silent. Everything Stephen had said so far had shaped Brendan's musings. He had so much to say and yet no way of expressing those thoughts.

Many a night he would lie beside him and watch him, and marvel at how perfect he was and how desperately he loved him. And yet he couldn't say so. It had been ingrained into him at an early age that feelings were better off hidden. His Father had always said: no man should speak his mind, unless to belittle another or to gain ground in an otherwise impossible situation. Brendan wasn't his Father. He didn't want to be him; he certainly didn't want his sons to be like that. But it was still a part of him, that fear and revulsion at what he was. The only thing that had changed was that he recognised it was his issue and not Stephen's. He realised it was better to keep it inside rather than burden Stephen any more with it. That was why he remained silent. Session after session. Silence.

Until one day Stephen said something that rocked him to the core. Took him completely off his guard and swallowed him whole in his desperation and desire for him. He said:

"I always felt as though I was nothing. My Step Dad made me feel it, so did my Mum. Amy's family rejected me at first; I tried to be a good parent but didn't always do my best for them. And then Brendan came along. He made me feel worthy, special. I felt more desired than I ever had in my entire life. He wanted me, mind, body and soul. When he would push me down, discard me like I was nothing, I felt like I wanted to die. Not only because I knew what he was doing was detestable, and I was a fool for returning to him, but because despite all that, I loved him. Twenty-one years of life and I had never loved a person like I loved him. He was my air; he made me crazy at every turn but also made me feel more alive than I ever believed possible. Only now knowing that he can change, do I feel like I can love him like I'm supposed to. I don't need his appreciation anymore, I'm my own man now and I'll remain that way. But I want him in my life; I can't imagine a world without him in it. It isn't right, not in the eyes of a lot of people, but it's all I know. All I'm sure of. I love him. That's it"

Brendan turned to him, his eyes moist, his expression clouded. He hadn't uttered a word in all the weeks they had been here. He opened his mouth, Stephen's expression lit up with hope, with need. There was still a part of him that needed that gratification, even if he couldn't admit it to himself. No words could do justice to how Brendan felt, but sometimes less was definitely more.

"Thank you" he murmured, his voice dry from lack of use in the past hour.

"What for?" Stephen asked quizzically, the smile forming on his lips.

"Everything" Brendan breathed. Only now did he realise he needed to do this, needed Stephen to understand everything. Only then could they really belong to each other, remain together.

"Are you ready to speak, Brendan?" The therapist asked him calmly.

Brendan stared at Stephen, his gaze hard. He then turned to the therapist.

"Yes"


	8. Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight

"Shall we start at the beginning?" The therapist asked calmly. Brendan grunted in response. "Where did you meet?"

Brendan glanced at Stephen who nodded encouragingly. "I hired him to work for me"

The therapist raised her eyebrows. "That simple?"

Brendan shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "I punched him in the face"

Stephen looked down, almost ashamed. Brendan reached across to touch his knee but his hand hovered hesitantly. Eventually he let it fall briefly before bringing it back to his lap.

"We weren't together then" Brendan said quickly.

"Would you say, outside of your relationship-" Brendan winced at the word – "you react violently to most situations?"

Brendan's expression was blank, trying to stop his mind drifting to Danny Houston.

"_I think I'll pay your little friend a visit" _

_Blind rage. Flashes. Stephen's face. Holding him. Pushing him away. No, he wouldn't let anyone touch him, not ever. _

_Danny had paid for thinking otherwise. _

"Brendan?" Stephen asked hesitantly. Brendan turned to him, noticing the wide-eyed expression and stern mouth. He was silently telling him not to disclose that particular information. Brendan wasn't stupid and he was amazed Stephen knew where his mind had drifted.

"I know you too well" Stephen said, his voice so low only Brendan could hear.

"I would say yes" Brendan addressed the therapist.

She nodded, noting something down on her notepad. "And why do you think that is? Where does this anger stem from?"

Brendan shifted a little. This was the awkward part. "I'm… gay" he said with some difficultly. It never got any easier. The therapist nodded, unmoved. "I was brought up to believe that it was wrong to be"

"And who in particular made you believe this?"

"My Father" Brendan said, coughing a little to clear his throat. "He wasn't a reasonable man, put it that way"

"Was he ever violent towards you?"

Brendan could feel Stephen's eyes on him. He didn't want to do this. It was taking a great deal of strength to stay seated.

"He was" Brendan said, a twitch forming in his cheek.

"Would you agree that both you and Ste have found yourselves in a cycle of abuse?"

"There's more to it than that" Brendan murmured.

"Of course" the therapist said plainly. "But on a very basic level, that is the case, is it not?"

"Yes" Brendan agreed, growing irksome.

"Okay" the therapist put her notepad down. "Let's move to something else for a moment"

Brendan fidgeted in his seat.

"How do you feel about Ste?"

Brendan's eyes darted towards the door. A strange feeling of possessiveness came over him. He hadn't told anyone explicitly how he felt about Stephen except Stephen himself.

The therapist noted his silence with patience. "Let's try this one. How does Ste feel about you?"

Brendan looked between them. "He's told ye"

"I'd like to hear your opinion"

Brendan gritted his teeth. "He wants me" he said, as calmly as possible. "He can't… he can't give up on me"

"Why do you think that is?"

"Why don't ye ask him?" Brendan snapped. He took a deep breath. "Sorry. Fine. I guess he's attracted to me"

"Is that all?"

"He has… feelings" Brendan frowned. "What do ye want me to say?"

"The truth" the therapist said calmly.

"He loves me" Brendan said with startling conviction.

"Did you always believe that?"

"No" Brendan answered immediately. Stephen looked at him in surprise. "I didn't think he possibly could. When he first told me…"

"_I love **you**"_

"_Shut up, please, just" _

Brendan shook his head. "How could he? After everything I'd…done" Brendan looked away.

"Was there another time you doubted his love?"

"When I was in prison" Brendan said quietly. "He didn't visit me. I spent most days lying in bed, alone and so angry…" Brendan's expression darkened. "Day after day his face was there. Sometimes smiling at me, other times pained or annoyed. I couldn't get him out" Brendan grabbed at his head. "He wouldn't _go, _wouldn't _leave_"

"Did you want him to?"

Brendan shook his head, feeling a shudder of emotion pass through him. "I was so alone. He was all I had… however unreal it was"

"And when you left prison?" the therapist pressed.

"It took a while to be around him again" Brendan couldn't look at Stephen as he said this. "But I kept watching him. Seeing him in the flesh again, real, I never thought I would again…"

"And how do you feel about him now?"

Brendan wasn't dense. He knew how the therapist had turned the conversation around again. He thought about his feelings and one particular memory came to mind…

"_I love ye, Stephen. That's what I didn't tell ye. I love ye" _

"I love him" he said simply. He heard Stephen's breath hitch beside him. Before he could stop himself, Brendan blurted out: "He's mine"

The therapist's eyebrows rose once more. "He's yours?"

Stephen chimed in. "All couples say that. It's a nice sentiment"

The therapist frowned. "You don't quite mean it like that though, do you? You need to believe he is completely yours"

"What's wrong with that?" Brendan asked brusquely.

The therapist ignored his question. "When Ste was with Noah, how did you feel?"

Brendan's jaw clenched.

"_Is that why ye chose him over me, yer pride? Really?" _

"He didn't take it well" Stephen responded quietly. "He sabotaged us from the inside out. But we wasn't right for each other anyway"

"Why do you say that?"

"He didn't get me, not like Brendan does" Stephen coughed. "He didn't appreciate that I was a Dad, or that I liked certain things. He wanted me to change"

"For the better?"

"I don't know really-"

"No" Brendan growled. "Not for the better. For his own deluded version of ye. One that I couldn't touch"

"But you did" Stephen said, matter-of-fact. "At every turn, there you were"

"I'm expected to just let ye go? Let him get ye?" Brendan asked gruffly. .

"Do you feel as though you own Ste?" The therapist asked calmly.

"Yes" Brendan said automatically, and then flinched. "No"

"Which is it?"

"I don't know" Brendan crossed his arms. "He's with me. I claimed him first. Therefore, he is mine"

"_I'm gonna take back something that belongs to me" _

"Are you happy with that, Ste?"

Stephen hesitated. "I want him to treat me like a person and he does. Brendan's very… territorial though. He makes me feel safe as well as unsafe. Does that make sense?"

"Explain it to us"

Stephen sighed. "Being his makes me feel like I belong, that I'll be protected"

"Do you feel the need to be protected?"

"Not exactly" Stephen squirmed uncomfortably, obviously thinking what Brendan was thinking.

"_You killed Danny, out of love for me?" _

"_I just wanted to protect ye, Stephen" _

"And the unsafe part is fairly obvious" Stephen shifted. "When the person who's supposed to make you feel the most safe, is the one who hurts you the most and there's nothing you can do about it"

"Except leave" Brendan murmured.

"_Ye will come back to me though, ye always do" _

"Easier said than done" Stephen laughed breathlessly. "I want to put it behind us, start again. One last chance. That's it"

"There is a lot I can say on the matter, but that will cover a few more sessions and we're at the end of ours now"

Brendan glanced at the clock. That hour had flown by. He stood up immediately, clasping Stephen's shoulder.

"Before you go, I have an assignment for you"

Brendan groaned, sitting down once more.

"I want you to go home and reveal something about yourselves that you haven't told anyone else before"

"What for?" Brendan asked bluntly.

"To build trust" the therapist smiled kindly. "See you both next week"

Brendan stepped out into the cold, feeling much less enclosed. Stephen walked ahead of him quickly, wanting to get into the car to warm up. Brendan kept his eyes on him as he crossed the car park, forever watchful.

"_Every day until I'm in my grave, you'll always be in my head, Stephen" _


	9. Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine

Ste sat staring intently at Brendan. He hadn't moved for thirty minutes. Ste was beginning to grow concerned.

He coughed. "Um, Bren?"

Brendan turned his head a fraction to the side. "What?" He asked roughly.

"Are you alright?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"You haven't said a word for quite some time"

"Oh" Brendan shook his head as though clearing it. "I was thinking"

"About what?" Ste smiled, intrigued.

"Our assignment" Brendan explained as though it were obvious.

"And what did you come up with?"

Brendan grunted, rising from his seated position. "Bugger all"

Ste smirked. "Told me everything then, have you?"

Brendan gave him a sideways look. "Hard to say, Stephen. Have ye told me everything?"

Ste pondered this. "No"

Brendan raised his eyebrows. "Enlighten me then"

Ste shifted uncomfortably. "The assignment was to share something no one else knows. If I told you everything _you _don't know, I'd be here all day"

Brendan's jaw twitched. "Is that right?"

Ste smiled at him pleasantly. "Amy knows more than you do"

Brendan's eyes flashed. "Does she now?"

"Except this" Ste said, growing serious. "I did go to the prison"

Brendan's face was blank. "Excuse me?"

"I didn't go inside… I just loitered outside, trying to get the courage to go inside and get a visiting order"

"What stopped ye?" Brendan asked, deadly serious.

"A lot of things" Ste sighed. "How you'd react, whether you'd reject my visiting order. How I felt about you, whether I believed or not…" Ste turned away, uncomfortable. "I want you to know that despite my doubts, deep down I think I knew you didn't really kill anyone. It was just easier to hate you and stay away, except I couldn't even do that right"

Brendan was silent, his face unreadable.

"Just don't for a second think I forgot you. I rarely went out during that time you were inside, I couldn't really bear the looks and questions… the only place I felt relatively calm was outside that prison. Had my own little wall to sit on" Ste smiled a little sadly.

Brendan grimaced, still not saying a word.

"Brendan? Did you take all that in?" Ste asked hesitantly.

Brendan was silent for several more moments before he spoke up. "Ye left me to rot"

"I didn't" Ste insisted. "I was there, even though you didn't know about it. I came"

Brendan stared at him. "Don't ye think I'd have liked to know about it?"

"Of course" Ste murmured. "But I didn't know that, did I?"

Brendan rubbed at his temple. "Did anyone see ye?"

"See me?"

"Sitting outside. Any of the inmates? Did they see ye?"

Ste frowned. "I don't remember, maybe"

Brendan paced the room; Ste noticed that his hands were shaking.

"I'm sorry" Ste said, wondering if all this had been a mistake. "I didn't mean to upset you"

"Upset me?" Brendan turned wild eyes on him. "Do ye know what they'd make of ye in there?"

Ste shook his head, puzzled.

"Little guy like ye are… they'd just…" Brendan bit into his knuckles furiously. "Do ye understand how stupid that was, Stephen? Do ye?"

"Don't call me stupid" Ste said defiantly.

"I'm not! I'm saying… I don't even know" Brendan collapsed into a seat.

"Are you saying, seeing a little guy like me outside might inspire some kind of…" Ste flushed. "That's ridiculous"

"Is it?"

"You're being paranoid. No one ever gave me any trouble for being there"

"Alright" Brendan took a breath to calm himself. "Ye could have at least let me see ye, just for a moment"

"I thought you did" Ste said quietly. "One morning you came outside to work out and you looked in my direction. I thought for sure that you'd seen me but you didn't react"

"I must have thought I was hallucinating, or dreaming" Brendan murmured.

"Should I not have said anything?"

Brendan's face softened. "No, it's okay. I understand yer reasoning, even if I'm not happy about it"

Ste hesitantly moved to sit beside him. Brendan immediately pulled him into his arms. "Fresh start, remember?" he muttered, kissing the top of Ste's head. Ste could tell he was still agitated however and decided to steer the conversation into another direction.

"Have you thought of something to tell me yet?"

Brendan sighed, closing his eyes.

"I'll show ye" he said eventually, reaching into his back pocket. He thrust his wallet into Ste's lap, not even opening his eyes.

"Alright then" Ste said, somewhat amused. He rifled through it, amazed at how much money Brendan carried on him. Ste could only imagine having so much in _his _wallet. Eventually he found something slotted behind a picture of Brendan's kids. It was a photo, folded once to keep its posterity. Ste was stunned into silence for several minutes. Brendan opened his eyes slowly, peering at him.

"What am I looking at exactly?" Ste asked carefully.

Brendan coughed awkwardly. "You"

"I get that…" Ste shook his head, bemused. "I don't understand"

Brendan sighed, taking the photo out of Ste's hand. "No one knows I have this" he murmured, as if to himself. "I took it that night we had together, before Rae-" Brendan cut off, obviously uncomfortable at saying her name.

"The night you told me Warren had information about you" Ste's mind clicked into gear. "_Oh_" he said, flushing. "You meant about… _oh_"

Ste folded his hands in his lap. He and Brendan rarely mentioned Danny's murder. It was one of those things that would inevitably resurface between them, except Ste knew it would be exceedingly difficult to address alone, considering they couldn't discuss it with their therapist.

Brendan's mind had clearly gone to a dark place. Ste did what he could, reaching out and placing his hand on Brendan's forearm.

"We don't have to talk about that right now" he said softly.

Brendan wiped absently at his eyes. "Alright" he said gruffly.

"So you kept this photo all this time?"

"Yeah. Took it when ye were asleep"

"I see that" Ste smiled tightly. "I didn't know it meant that much to you"

"I think I knew" Brendan said distantly. "That something was coming"

"Something always came up" Ste sighed. "That was a good night though" he said, smiling at the memory of it.

_Ste pulled back from the kiss, smiling at the look of contentment on Brendan's face. _

"_You're a big softie really, aren't ya?" _

"_I don't know what ye mean, Stephen" _

_Ste nuzzled against his side. "When it's like this, just you and me. I feel like I never want to leave" _

_Brendan growled low in his throat. "And ye won't be" he slung an arm around his waist, fingering the fabric of his shirt. "Why did ye get dressed?" _

_Ste shrugged. "Thought I'd be sent on my way"_

_Brendan scoffed. "No chance, lad" He flipped him easily onto his back, shirt above his head within moments. _

_Ste writhed a little beneath him as Brendan licked a wet trail from Ste's collar bone to his belly button. There was something quite heady about a round two. The first time had been frantic, needy. Now they took their sweet time, re-familiarising themselves with each others bodies, enjoying the feel of skin on skin, mouths crushing together with intensity. _

_Ste found himself exhausted by the end of it; not knowing where he ended and Brendan began with the tangle of their limbs. Brendan's body was half lying across Ste's protectively. The warm familiarity sent Ste to sleep fairly quickly. Except the lingering doubt in his mind over what would happen when he woke up made him reach out and grab Brendan's hand instinctively, needing that closeness and knowing that if Brendan let go, Ste would know about it. _

And now in the present day, Ste looked down at the photograph, noting from the lighting that it was taken far later than when he had drifted to sleep and of course, his hand was still enclosed in Brendan's at the edge of the photo.

"You kept it" Ste said unnecessarily. "All this time"

"Everywhere I went" Brendan said, unable to look at Ste directly. "Even-" he cut off, baring his teeth.

Ste nodded with unspoken understanding.

"Ye used to look at me differently then" Brendan explained.

"My eyes are closed" Ste said unhelpfully. Brendan gave him a playful shove.

"Ye know what I mean"

"Maybe one day, I can look at you that way again" Ste stared at him, doing his best to portray how he always used to feel; complete adoration and a somewhat misguided trust. Brendan's expression was saddened however, sensing the way Ste still held back.

"Yeah, one day" he said, barely a whisper. Ste leaned forwards to kiss the side of his mouth. He took his hand and led him to the bedroom.

"No letting go, yeah?" He asked, feeling intensely vulnerable all of a sudden.

Brendan smiled, kissing him hard on the mouth. He still didn't quite know how to express his feelings through words. Actions were sometimes all he had. Ste didn't mind though; tonight had proved that they could be entirely honest with each other, even through the difficult subjects. As long as Brendan held on to him, Ste knew they would be alright.


	10. Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten

Brendan swung his legs out of bed, shirtless and warm all over. He glanced back at the bed; Stephen was still curled up and asleep, his hand closed in a fist over Brendan's pillow. Brendan gave a brief smile and rose, bending to pick up his shirt and trousers from the floor. He needed some air; he certainly couldn't sleep.

As he stepped out of Stephen's flat, the wind immediately hit him, whipping at his face like knives cutting into his flesh. Or perhaps his numbness had only now worn off, and everything in the air was sensitive and too real all at once.

His conversation with Stephen had unsettled him immensely. He hadn't wanted to press the issue tonight but everything they had shared had left him feeling vulnerable and exposed, naked and bare. The latter in the literal sense, some time after they had retired to the bedroom.

Brendan kicked a pebble across the road, feeling tense and edgy. Everything was happening so fast and he wasn't sure how ready he was for this life. He wanted Stephen by his side no matter what, but he knew how tenuous things could be. He feared he might screw it up again, and considering how fragile Stephen seemed these days, the thought almost choked him.

The streets were dark and empty. Brendan was only vaguely aware of the fact that he had gone out without his jacket. He found himself walking home without even needing to think about it. As if on autopilot he let himself in and went straight to the liquor cabinet, pouring out a glass of whiskey. He downed it in one, his hand shaking a little as he raised the glass to his lips.

He wouldn't be able to go back tonight, that was certain. He didn't want to go to bed either, resulting in him crashing out on the sofa, eyes open and unsleeping. Tomorrow would bring what it did, but for now he simply wanted the quiet.

xxx

As the light poured through the window, Brendan woke with a start. He rubbed at his face tiredly, hardly believing that he had fallen asleep. The clock showed that it was only eight. Brendan got up slowly and made his way to the bathroom for a shower. First he checked his messages. Nothing. Stephen would undoubtedly be coming after him, wondering where he had disappeared to. He was probably still asleep right now. Brendan could wait.

Once he was showered and dressed, he made some coffee. Cheryl pottered down the stairs in her dressing gown, yawning.

"Oh hello, love. When did you get home?" She asked in some surprise.

"Came home late" Brendan replied, handing her a cup of coffee.

"Ste not with you?"

"We aren't joined at the hip" Brendan replied tersely, then immediately regretted his words. "Sorry. Long night"

Cheryl shrugged, helping herself to breakfast. "You in work today?"

"Yeah, later" Brendan replied absently. He glanced at his watch. It was well after half nine by now. Stephen still hadn't called. "I think I'll get off" Brendan told Cheryl, stealing a bite of her toast.

She grinned affectionately at him, not even chastising him for stealing some of her breakfast.

He went to the club first, working in the office for a while and glancing at the door every now and again. It was a busy morning, meeting with suppliers and the like and temporarily Brendan forgot what he was so on edge about. But once lunchtime hit, he really started to wonder where Stephen was and if everything was okay. He had left without saying anything and no note. Why hadn't Stephen called to check everything was alright? Brendan felt the prickling of ill ease and decided to go round to Stephen's, just in case.

Amy answered the door, curtly telling him that Stephen had gone out hours ago and she wasn't expecting him back anytime soon. She had pretty much closed the door in his face so Brendan hadn't been able to question her further. He ran his fingers across his scalp, wondering where Stephen could possibly have gone without telling him. Was he doing it out of spite? Brendan thought they were beyond all that. But then again, wasn't Brendan reverting to type by running away in the first place?

With a sigh, Brendan brought his phone out of his pocket and called Stephen. No answer. He decided to leave a message.

"Stephen, call me" was the first.

An hour later, Brendan was becoming more agitated. "Stephen? Where are ye? I'm worried. Call me"

By the afternoon, Brendan was feeling incredibly tense. "For Christ's sake, Stephen. What are ye doing? I'm sorry I left last night but why are ye doing this? Fucking call me, alright?"

Afternoon turned into evening and still no word. Brendan was at his wits end. Cheryl had tried to soothe him, telling him Stephen probably just needed some space. This didn't help improve Brendan's mood. He attempted a different approach.

"Okay, Stephen. I get it, I shouldn't have run again. I just… it was too much, after what we talked about. Can ye just tell me yer alright? Ye don't have to see me; I just need to know ye are safe. Please"

Moments later, Brendan's phone buzzed.

"_Sorry, phone was off. I'm fine. Don't worry x"_

Brendan called him immediately. "Did ye ignore my phone calls?" he asked straight away when Stephen answered.

"No, I told you. I left my phone off"

"And why would ye do that?" Brendan attempted to keep his voice level.

"I was out with the kids and didn't want to be disturbed" Stephen replied reasonably enough.

Brendan wasn't one to be reasoned with right now. "Why didn't ye tell me where ye were?"

Brendan heard Stephen breathe out heavily at the other end. "Does it matter?"

"Of course it does" Brendan murmured. "I'm coming over" he said decisively.

"Brendan-" Stephen began to argue.

"No chance. I'm coming"

He set off straight away.

xxx

Stephen was waiting for him outside when he arrived, arms crossed. Brendan breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of him, immediately reaching out to hold him. Stephen flinched away. Brendan's arms fell to his sides, useless and heavy without Stephen to occupy them.

"I messed up" he said automatically.

"No" Stephen said quietly. "I did. I pushed things too fast, you weren't ready"

Brendan shook his head. "We're supposed to be moving forward. I want us to, I do. I just panicked"

Stephen looked down. He seemed older suddenly. "Maybe we should have a little space, just for a few days"

Brendan blinked. "Are ye serious? I don't want that. It's not as serious as that"

Stephen tilted his head to the side. "I think its best. Just think things through, decide what you want…" he trailed off, reaching for the door handle.

"No wait!" Brendan grabbed his wrist. "It was nothing, really. I still want this, us"

Stephen's face softened somewhat. "I'm not saying we can't but we've been in each others pockets for weeks now, maybe we just need a little separation"

"Did the therapist tell ye that?" Brendan practically growled. "Because they're paid for that, Stephen. To create problems where there aren't any"

Stephen rolled his eyes. "Nice to know what you really think of the therapy"

"No, that came out wrong" Brendan shook his head. "I just mean, this isn't needed" he pulled Stephen towards him by the wrist, his lips in his hair, breathing in his scent. "I need ye"

"I know" Stephen bowed his head onto his shoulder. "I need you too. But it takes time and a little break might do us some good"

Brendan tightened his hold. He didn't think he would be able to let him go, even for a moment.

"What if I don't want to?"

Stephen pulled away, looking at him sadly. "You'll thank me for it, trust me" he kissed him lightly on the lips, pulling away before things became heated. "See you soon, Bren"

He was back inside the flat before Brendan really knew what had happened. His arms felt empty and cold where Stephen had once been. It was a familiar feeling; one he thought was long gone. If only he had stayed, none of this would be happening. Stephen needed him to try, and Brendan wasn't a quitter. He would make this work; he would have him in his arms again without pause for concern. He would count on it.


	11. Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven

Brendan slammed the door, startling Cheryl who was sitting at the kitchen table.

"What's happened, love?"

"I don't want to talk about it" Brendan said testily, heading straight to his bedroom. He leaned his back against the door frame, taking a deep breath to steady himself. He didn't know where to go next or what to do. All of his instincts told him to march back round to Stephen's and take him back, it really was that simple. Or at least, it used to be.

"_I'm gonna take back something that belongs to me" _

Now Brendan had to be careful. What had their therapist said? That their assignment was _to build trust_. But look at the result of that advice. Brendan felt his fingers curling angrily. He needed a place to direct his disappointment, and who better than the underlying cause of it?

"I'm going out, Chez" he said swiftly, grabbing his car keys from the counter.

"But-"

Brendan was already out the door.

xxx

Ste interlocked his fingers, skin slippery with sweat. He'd been sitting still for the best part of an hour, unable to push himself to continue. He didn't know if he had made the right choice or what the consequences might be. All he knew was that he missed him already. He felt a distant ache somewhere that always seemed to reawaken every time they parted ways.

It was only temporary, he kept telling himself. But he knew Brendan too well. Backed into a corner like that he would retreat, or he would fight. There was no middle ground. He would either take Ste at his word and never speak to him again, or he would do the very opposite and pester him to the ends of the earth.

Ste stood up abruptly, pacing the room at length. His phone felt heavy in his pocket. The temptation to take it out and dial Brendan's number was overwhelming. He ran his fingers through his hair, practically shaking with the effort to hold himself together.

"This is mental" he muttered to himself, sitting down once more. He needed to get a grip. Only one place to go.

xxx

Brendan arrived only to find the building dark and empty. He glanced at his watch. Just gone seven. Well, he was certainly too late. He punched the wall in frustration, wincing immediately and sucking the blood at his knuckle.

He sensed someone behind him and turned instantly.

"Stephen" he breathed in relief, reaching for him. "What are ye doing here?"

"I came to see…" Stephen glanced through the window, sighing and checking his watch. "Too late. Right" he turned to go but Brendan hurried in front of him.

"Why did ye come here?"

"Why did you?" Stephen countered. "And what did you do to your hand?" He asked in some alarm, reaching to examine the wound. Brendan flinched but didn't draw his hand away.

"Therapy" he said ironically, pleased that he gained a small, accommodating smile from Stephen.

"You need to go to the hospital" he murmured.

Brendan brushed these words aside. "I'll be fine"

Stephen's forehead pinched with worry. "I'll take you back to mine. We have a first aid kit"

Brendan bit his tongue, refraining from pointing out he had his own at home.

"If ye insist" he mumbled, leading the two of them to his car.

xxx

The drive home was quiet. Stephen kept fidgeting in his seat, shooting glances at Brendan when he thought he wasn't paying attention. Brendan always paid attention when it came to Stephen.

"How did ye get here?" Brendan asked gruffly, driving one-handed.

"Bus" Stephen answered.

"Bit late to take the bus isn't it?"

"What are you, my Mum?" Stephen shot back. Brendan laughed shortly.

"Just looking out for ye, is all"

Stephen said nothing, just stared sullenly out of the window.

"Are ye warm enough?" Brendan asked, coughing awkwardly.

"Little cold but-"

Brendan reached out to turn the temperature up at the same time Stephen gestured that it wasn't necessary. Their hands met briefly. Stephen pulled away as though he had been burnt.

"I can't touch ye now?" Brendan asked, staring straight ahead.

"Just surprised me, that's all"

"Thought ye liked me holding yer hand"

Stephen flushed. "Shut up" he said softly. Brendan smirked at him. "Besides, I'd get blood all over me, wouldn't I?"

"Hm" Brendan responded. They'd wrapped his hand in tissue for the time being. He wasn't bleeding much but his hand stung where the tissue stuck to it.

"I don't know why you decided to punch the wall in the first place" Stephen said, frowning a little.

Brendan shrugged. He didn't know why he'd done it either, truth be told. Except he did.

Brendan pulled over, the steady hum of the engine coming to a stop and making their stilted conversation more evident.

"So um, shall we?" Stephen asked, reaching for the door handle.

Brendan climbed out, staring at Stephen over the top of the car. He gave Brendan a tight smile before walking towards his flat, Brendan following several feet behind him.

"Amy's at Mike's" Stephen said unnecessarily. "With the kids"

Brendan nodded. "We're alone then"

Stephen shifted uncomfortably. "I'll get the first aid kit"

He returned and fumbled with the fastening as he knelt down in front of Brendan, who had seated himself on the sofa.

"In better circumstances…" Brendan began, his lips curling into a flirtatious smile.

Stephen rolled his eyes. "Calm down" he said, taking Brendan's hand gently.

"Can't blame a bloke for trying"

Stephen grinned in spite of himself. "This might sting" he warned him. Brendan gritted his teeth, not crying out.

Stephen bandaged his hand, his fingers almost too careful. Once he was done his hand lingered on Brendan's a moment before being drawn away. Brendan reached with his other hand to enclose on his wrist.

"Don't" Stephen whispered, barely audible. Brendan slid down onto the floor, his hand stroking its way up Stephen's arm to his neck, snaking around the back to draw his face closer to Brendan's.

"Stephen" Brendan breathed, closing his eyes and resting his forehead against his. "I'm not going anywhere. Let me stay here, with you"

Stephen gulped, his breath ghosting across Brendan's face.

"I have to be strong" he didn't sound too sure of himself.

Brendan brushed his lips across Stephen's teasingly. "Don't ye want this?" he asked softly.

"That isn't fair" Stephen whispered, pushing his fist against Brendan's chest without any real force behind it.

"Ye didn't answer my question"

Brendan opened his eyes to stare at him properly. Stephen had that look in his eyes. The one he always wore when his instincts were telling him one thing and his heart another. Brendan had seen it many times before. He didn't want to see it again. He wanted Stephen to be sure of this, sure of him.

"Bren…" Stephen began uncertainly. "I can't keep-"

Brendan kissed him suddenly, unable to hold back any longer. Stephen's lips were soft and inviting. Brendan wanted to devour him whole but he held back, cradling his face and planting quick, hard kisses to his mouth.

"Brendan" Stephen protested between kisses.

"What?" He asked, breathless, unable to take his lips more than a fraction of an inch away from Stephen's.

"Promise me"

"Anything"

"Stay" Stephen's voice sounded far away and small. He cleared his throat. "Stay" he said more determinedly. "But if you leave me again, that's it"

Brendan nodded earnestly, taking Stephen into his arms, holding his head securely against his chest.


	12. Chapter Twelve

Fix You

Chapter Twelve

"Thank you for coming to see me"

Brendan shrugged, leaning back in his seat.

"What brings you here today?"

Brendan stared at the therapist, struggling to find the right words.

"I need to know…" he began, his words careful. "If I can stay with him"

The therapist noted something down. "And what makes you question that you can't?"

"It's a direct question" Brendan countered, exasperated.

"And one only you can answer" the therapist said reasonably.

Brendan sighed, frustrated. "I think it's fairly obvious"

The therapist smiled pleasantly, prompting Brendan to continue.

"I haven't exactly treated him right…" Brendan said, his voice gruff.

"Can you elaborate?"

"I…" Brendan ran his hands through his hair. He didn't like to talk about this. "I've hit him, before. A lot actually" Brendan's voice quieted on the last few words.

"You've been physically and arguably, mentally abusing him since the beginning of your relationship. Is that a fair assessment?"

Brendan was stuck for words for a moment. "It's not that simple…"

"Where do you think the violence stems from? From speaking to you and Ste I can ascertain there's a cycle here"

"I can't go through this again" Brendan put his head in his hands. "I've said about my Father"

"We must delve into these difficult memories in order to find a way to work through it"

Brendan stared at her balefully. "I just need to know if I can be a good man to him"

"That really is up to you"

Brendan sighed again, his resolve stiffening. "Where do I begin?"

Xxx

"Ste, are you going to be much longer in there?" Amy sounded impatient, just outside the bathroom door.

"One minute" Ste croaked, head over the toilet. He didn't want to tell Amy he wasn't well, she'd only worry after his recent health scare.

"Brendan's on his way round" Amy said; Ste could hear the annoyance in her tone.

"How do you know that?"

"He just walked past the window"

Ste froze, wiping at his mouth hastily. "Don't let him in yet!" He practically squeaked.

"Ste, is everything alright?"

"Fine, just fine" Ste flushed, getting to his feet carefully. He brushed his teeth before opening the door.

Amy opened her mouth to complain but then closed it abruptly. "You look terrible"

"Don't worry about it" Ste sighed, pushing past her. She followed.

"Are you not well again?"

"I'm fine, stop fussing" Ste threw a shirt over his head, not really noticing what it was.

"Stephen?" Brendan found them in his bedroom, he looked almost startled at seeing Amy there. "Amy" he said formally.

"Can you tell him-" Amy began but Ste gave her a warning look.

Brendan looked between them, frowning. "What am I missing?"

"Nothing" Ste replied, a little short. "Let's go, yeah?"

"Wait"

"Brendan, I wanna go!"

Brendan grabbed the corner of his shirt, tugging gently. "It's inside out, Stephen"

"Oh" Ste flushed, pulling it off hurriedly and turning it the right way.

"What's wrong? Ye are all flustered"

"That's what I keep-"

"Ames, please" Ste hissed. "I was just a little sick, that's all"

Brendan's expression clouded over. "Is that right?"

"Can I not get sick now?" Ste countered, picking up his keys and wallet.

Amy glanced at Brendan, giving him a measured look. Since when were they in cahoots?

"I'll keep an eye on him" Brendan murmured, probably hoping Ste wouldn't hear.

"I don't need-"

Brendan gave him a hard look. Ste decided to shut up.

"I'll see you later" Amy said pointedly, slipping out of the room.

"Very irate today, aren't we?" Brendan sounded amused.

Ste hunched his shoulders. "Woke up like it"

Brendan sighed, placing his fingers at the small of Ste's back. "Need to unwind, is that it?" He asked suggestively.

"Maybe" Ste replied, closing his eyes to Brendan's touch.

"I went to see the therapist this morning" Brendan said quietly.

Ste eyes snapped open. "Alone?"

"No, Stephen. Ye were there, ye just forgot. Of course alone"

"Alright" Ste sat down on his bed, Brendan sitting beside him a little closer than necessary, as was his way.

"It was… interesting"

"Yeah?" Ste found himself softening. "What did you talk about?"

Brendan shrugged. "This and that"

Ste laughed a little to himself when he didn't elaborate. He didn't press the issue. "Did it help?"

Brendan looked to the side. "She's overpaid, that one"

"Who?"

"Our therapist"

"She didn't help then?"

"I wouldn't say that…"

Ste rolled his eyes. "What would you say then?"

"Why are ye still sick, is what I'd say" Brendan said, unsubtly changing the subject.

"I must have caught a bug or something"

"I feel fine"

"_You _have a stomach made of steel"

"We've been all over each other, Stephen. Do ye not think I'd have caught it?"

"Perhaps you will later" Ste sighed, standing up. Brendan grabbed his wrist.

"Tell me" he implored, looking shockingly earnest.

Ste sat down again, crossing his arms. "I undercooked my dinner" he murmured, going red.

"Is that all?" Brendan stifled a laugh.

"I'm meant to be a chef, me!" Ste looked away, embarrassed. "It's all I'm good at"

"Now that isn't true…" Brendan said smoothly.

"You know what I mean"

"Why are ye getting so upset over this? It's nothing"

"That's the thing, Bren. That is the worst of my troubles right now"

Brendan stared at him blankly. "And this is a problem because?"

"Something's bound to go wrong"

Brendan laughed shortly. "Ye are turning into the right little pessimist"

"I can't help it" Ste said, wrapping his arms around himself. "I can't be hopeful, it'll only set me up for a fall"

Brendan frowned. "Are ye doubting me, Stephen?"

"No" Ste said automatically. Brendan raised his eyebrows sceptically. "I'm not. It's all early days, isn't it?"

"I'm trying"

"I know you are, I appreciate it"

"Is it enough?" Brendan asked, gritting his teeth. "Am I enough?" he added, quieter.

"Yes!" Ste said, cursing himself inwardly for bringing this up. "Of course you are. I love you, that's what matters"

Brendan's expression shifted a little at the words 'I love you'. He still wasn't used to hearing them.

"Forget I said anything" Ste muttered. "I'm being an idiot"

"Yes" Brendan agreed, but his eyes were sparkling.

Ste curled himself against Brendan's side, feeling impossibly young and vulnerable.

"You and the therapist got somewhere today though?"

Brendan's lips stilled in Ste's hair. "We did" he murmured.

"Are you going to tell me?"

Brendan sighed. "Not today. I've done enough talking"

"I've been a brat, I'm sorry"

Brendan laughed. "Ye haven't, relax"

Ste pulled himself onto Brendan's lap, wrapping his arms tightly around him.

"I'm just glad that we're getting somewhere"

Brendan said nothing and instead held him tighter. "Just no more hissy fits, alright?"

"Alright" Ste agreed, smiling a little.

"Also, look after this" Brendan patted Ste's stomach. "Ye don't need to lose anymore weight"

"Shut up" Ste murmured, burying his face in Brendan's neck. "We can't all be burly Irishmen"

"Perfection cannot be imitated, Stephen"

"Think a lot of yourself don't ya?"

Brendan shrugged, tracing idle circles into Ste's back. "Keeps ye interested, doesn't it? Stop ye running off with some muscle man yer own age"

Ste rolled his eyes. "Like I would. Stuck with you, aren't I?"

"Well ye certainly aren't getting away again, if that's what ye mean"

"Wouldn't dream of it" Ste sighed contently, lying his head on Brendan's shoulder.

Xxx

Brendan thought back to earlier, at the therapists office.

"The fact is, Doc, I can't lose him again" Brendan crossed his arms, attempting to appear nonchalant.

"You say you've lost him…" The therapist began, her forehead creasing into a frown. "But from what I've heard so far, it sounds like you've done everything to push him away"

"Is that so?" Brendan cocked his head to the side, fighting a smile of derision.

"Describe a situation in which you've felt that you've lost him" The therapist requested, calmly interlocking her fingers.

Brendan's mind went blank momentarily. "Disney" he said eventually, wincing at how stupid that sounded.

The therapist attempted to hide a small smile. "Disney?" She repeated.

Brendan coughed, staring resolutely away. "We'd gotten back on track and then my, uh, my son Declan showed up. Stephen decided to go away, with his kids, and I couldn't let him go"

"What happened?"

"_Hey! Hey! Where are ye taking the kids?" _

"_What's it to you, Brendan?" _

"_I don't want ye leaving like this"_

"_Leaving like what?" _

"_Angry with me!" _

"_Angry? I am always angry with you, aren't I? Yeah I'm angry and I'm disappointed" _

"_I couldn't tell her, I couldn't tell her, not yet" _

"_You embarrass me, do you know that? But more to the point you're embarrassing yourself!" _

"_I do want ye, I do"_

"_Yeah?" _

"_Yeah"_

"_Well I don't believe you" _

"_Listen, listen. We really need to talk about how we're going to handle this while Declan's around" _

"_No tomorrow, I am getting on a flight to Florida with my kids. Yeah, it's all booked"_

"_What about us?" _

"_Us? There is no us anymore! Right? Get it into your head. There is no us"_

"_Okay, okay! Look, listen what if I go to Florida with ye? Huh? With Declan. This time tomorrow we could be there, what do ye say? Please"_

"_That's just more empty promises, init?" _

"_Yeah well I could um, I could surprise ye"_

"_You ain't got the guts" _

"Brendan?" The therapist looked at him in concern.

"More empty promises…" Brendan shook his head disbelievingly.

"It's quite clear that a part of you wanted to believe you meant it. But when it came down to it, you couldn't handle the reality of it, baring yourself completely to your son so soon after getting him back"

"I let him down"

"Ste?"

Brendan nodded.

"Have you done that a great deal?"

Brendan's mind skimmed through punches thrown, promises broken, kisses so desperately trying to say what he couldn't possibly say aloud. And most of all, saying those three words and meaning them more than anything, and yet letting him down all over again.

"Neither of us have been perfect through this" Brendan admitted. "But the things I've done… I'm not sure he will ever be able to forgive me"

The therapist opened her mouth to comment but Brendan barrelled on.

"I mean he was right all along wasn't he? There is no us, there never was. He was never _mine. _He wanted to be, and I kept him at arm's length, just like I do to everyone I care about"

"I am only here to help you, Brendan. Ste obviously wants to help you, and himself. And your son? Does he know the truth now?"

Brendan nodded numbly.

"And did he abandon you?"

Brendan shook his head.

"You have more support than you realise. You just need to take each day at a time, allow me to guide you through this and allow yourself to be there for Ste, unconditionally. Do you think you can do that?"

In the present, Brendan held Stephen, neither of them making a sound except for the soft pant of their breaths against each others skin.

All Brendan could think was, if he lost him again, it would be unbearable. To never feel his skin against his own, his small figure curled around Brendan's, clammy hands grasping Brendan's own desperately, searching for something Brendan didn't know for certain he could give. But he would try, he had to. For Stephen. For himself.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

A/N: Final chapter, guys! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing, means a lot :)

Chapter Thirteen

Some people cannot be fixed. They make the same promises time and time again, always leading to disappointment and betrayal. Brendan didn't want to be one of those people. He was better than that, stronger.

He had been having counselling for a good few months now, sometimes with Stephen and sometimes on his own. He was getting somewhere. He was learning to control his anger and his rage at himself and the world. He had to, if he wanted to keep Stephen with him. They were slowly working towards something, Brendan didn't know what yet but it was there, a light in the gloom. Stephen was beginning to feel like his again. No amount of therapy was going to change that sentiment.

Despite it all, it didn't feel as though anything had shifted between them. They carried on as they always did; Stephen often hyper and whiney, Brendan insufferable and overprotective. The only change was the ease with which Stephen occupied his life. The trust was returning on both sides. Brendan began to see flashes of the boy he had once loved, and the man he now was, who he loved indefinitely.

The issue remained of the outside world. Brendan consumed Stephen daily, wanting every piece of him he could find. And yet outside he still kept him at a distance. Strangely Stephen didn't seem to mind. One night at the club when Brendan was busy serving, he glanced in the direction he knew Stephen was, and he smiled at him. It wasn't much, but Stephen told him afterwards that he had felt like the only person in the room at that moment, and truly that was how Brendan had felt too.

They didn't spend every night together and when they did, it was often at Brendan's. Amy was still wary and frankly, Brendan was tired of the glares and pointed comments. Stephen would often just sigh and smile apologetically, sometimes he would stroke Brendan's chest to soothe him. Brendan didn't retaliate however; he knew deep down that a part of him deserved it and he couldn't help but feel a begrudging respect towards Amy for looking out for Stephen.

Even so, Brendan liked having Stephen at his, in his bed. It made him feel content and calmer. Stephen was benefiting from their new arrangement as well; his health was improving, he was even gaining a little weight once more.

"Getting a bit of a tummy aren't ye?" Brendan teased one Saturday morning. They had been up late the night before, enjoying one of their favourite pastimes: fucking.

"Oi, shut up" Stephen pushed against him. He had the covers drawn up to his chin.

"Are ye cold?" Brendan asked, a lazy smile on his lips.

"No" Stephen said sullenly, shivering for good measure.

Brendan rolled his eyes, smirking. "Come here"

"I don't need you to make me warm" Stephen retorted, but there was amusement in his voice.

Brendan raised his eyebrows. "Is that right?" He asked, unceremoniously stripping the covers off of Stephen's naked body.

"Brendan!" Stephen yelped, grappling for the covers; Brendan held them out of reach. "You git! Give them back!" Stephen scrambled to the end of the bed on his stomach, reaching for the edge of the cover. Brendan used this opportunity to lay across his back, his penis precariously close to Stephen's backside.

"Pervert" Stephen muttered, giving up.

"Ye love me really" Brendan growled hot against his ear. He felt Stephen shift beneath him. "See"

"Proves nothing"

"Really?" Brendan reached around underneath Stephen, stroking along the base of his now erect penis.

"I'm only with you for the sex" Stephen said, unconvincingly.

"Hm, no complaints here" Brendan flipped him onto his front, his arms either side of Stephen's head. He bent low to pull Stephen's bottom lip between his teeth.

"Hey now" Stephen frowned, sitting up on his elbows. "You're supposed to care a bit more"

"Am I?" Brendan purred, kissing along Stephen's jaw.

"Y-yes" Stephen stuttered, losing his grip. "I forget why though"

Brendan chuckled deep in his throat, wrapping his hand around the back of Stephen's neck. "Ye gonna give in now?" He whispered, his lips inches away from Stephen's. Brendan could even now still appreciate the thrill of the chase, Stephen always made things interesting, certainly.

Stephen sighed, sticking his tongue out to lick along Brendan's bottom lip. Brendan closed his eyes, an unwise move. Stephen took the opportunity to climb out of bed and make a run for it, stifling his giggles as he went. Brendan cracked one eye open, always alert. Stephen had only made it to the door before Brendan had grabbed him around the waist, dragging him back to the bed. Stephen dug his heels in a little, grinning at Brendan in glee.

"Ye can't get away that easily" Brendan growled, pushing Stephen onto the bed and mounting him with ease.

Stephen shrugged. "I know you like the challenge"

"Ye know me too well" Brendan murmured, bending down to claim Stephen's mouth. Things got heated pretty quickly after that. Eventually Brendan had Stephen on top of him, seated and rocking against him. He watched Stephen writhe in front of him, clinging onto Brendan's back, his eyes closed in undeterred bliss.

It was a shallow position, and therefore they lasted for some time, marvelling in how their sweat covered bodies slid together with ease; their mouths hungry and exploring, Brendan's grip on Stephen's hips vice-like and unrelenting. Stephen told him to grip harder; it would most definitely leave marks.

At one point Stephen threw his head completely back, exposing his throat. Brendan kissed every inch of it, licking the beads of sweat dripping down from Stephen's face. It was too much sometimes, how badly he needed him. As he started to get close, he suddenly grabbed Stephen's face and kissed him, pushing their noses and foreheads together.

"Fuck" he groaned, sharing a breath with him as he came. Stephen came soon after, the increased friction of their bodies rubbing together sending him over the edge.

They collapsed back together afterwards, panting heavily.

"I need a shower" Stephen piped up, raising himself to a sitting position.

"Stephen…" Brendan was about to protest but Stephen placed a finger over his lips.

"I won't be long"

Brendan watched him leave, too exhausted to get up.

Stephen returned ten minutes later, a white towel wrapped around his waist. Brendan hadn't moved an inch. He looked up, seemingly disinterested. Stephen idly removed the towel, looking around for his clothes. Brendan's eyes glinted. Stephen froze, turning around slowly.

"No" he said sternly.

"Ye don't know what I'm gonna say yet"

"I do and it's a no. I'm all clean!"

Brendan was already stalking forwards, wrapping his arms around Stephen's waist. Stephen sighed in defeat, his head falling onto Brendan's shoulder.

"Damn you" he said breathlessly as Brendan began to stroke him. He pulled him onto the bed.

"Ye love it" Brendan mumbled, his hands squeezing Stephen's buttocks.

Stephen grinned in spite of himself. "How can I possibly say no?"

Xxx

They ended up spending most of the day in Brendan's bedroom. They dozed off for a while after they had finished their second round. Brendan hadn't even bothered to get dressed and made sure that Stephen didn't either. He liked to feel his naked body pressed against his own, his bum wriggling a little to make himself comfortable.

Brendan awoke first from their nap. He watched Stephen for a while, brushing a few strands of hair away from his forehead. He hadn't styled his hair after his shower and it lay flat. It made him look even more boyish than usual. Brendan ran his fingers through it, remembering a time when it had always been this way. Perhaps he would ask Stephen to sometimes style it that way again, specially for him. Brendan sighed, smiling to himself. He couldn't believe that he had him here, his once more, no one coming between them, Brendan learning and behaving himself.

He didn't believe he was fixed. A person couldn't really be fixed, after all. All Brendan knew was that he wouldn't leave Stephen's side again. It had taken Stephen getting to a dark place for Brendan to realise how badly they both needed the light again. He couldn't change himself completely, Stephen had said he wouldn't want him to. He just needed to keep him safe and not hurt him anymore. It was never that simple of course but Brendan was on the right path, he would make this work, whatever it took.

Brendan bent low, brushing his lips across Stephen's cheek. "Ye have no idea…" he began, breaking off into barely a whisper. Stephen shifted a little, his hand flat against Brendan's chest, over his heart. "Or maybe ye do" Brendan laughed, laying his own hand across Stephen's.


End file.
